Sometimes I wonder if anything is really valuable except intimacy. That human contact, skin to skin, hands to hands, chest to chest. That human endurance test called marriage. Those head-aching minor issues. Those fifty years together; or twenty-five years apart. Are these the lows or highs of human existence? What do I aim for? Why do I get up in the morning?
I gotta start being more honest, I just gotta. I feel so bunched up, scrunched up. I feel compressed, and that's never a good feeling. I want to learn how to create moving art. I want to make people cry and laugh. I want to connect with people. Oh God, I want human connections.
What else is there to say? This is what I'm aiming for: that human touch, tenuous connection. But I gotta go to school, and I gotta study for my math quiz tomorrow, and I gotta read more books, and I gotta get new car tires, and I gotta fix my yellow teeth one day, and I gotta buy new clothes, and I gotta keep eating if I don't want to die, and I gotta tell the truth to make myself known, and I gotta keep writing cause my thoughts are flooding me, and I gotta go to sleep soon, and I gotta do my math homework. Goddammit, I gotta do math homework. And then what do I do? I keep going to school and keep doing homework--whether it be math or english or history or human sexuality or shakespeare--and I gotta keep attending class and keep learning and keep avoiding socializing and start socializing more. All of these things I gotta do lead me where? Where's the rest for fulfillment? Will life fulfill me as I move along? It feels like I'm wasting away. It feels like all I was born to do is work until my death.
Oh God, and I forgot about showers! I gotta shower if I don't want to smell bad and people to dislike me. It's my humble impression, however, that 99 out of 100 people will never ever like me. So who gives a fuck about them? But showers--still have to shower at least once every few days.
Just had a thought: one thing at a time until I'm dead or happy.
I'm just gonna stop here.
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What do you mean by "moving art"? Movies? Or stop motion animation or something?
ReplyDeleteWhy would 99 out of 100 people not like you?
I think I need more human interaction/connection too. Being honest is so good, but it's hard to do.
i mean emotionally moving art.
DeleteI think that's just the way life goes; there are seven billion people in this world, and you'd be considered massively popular if even one hundred million of them like you.
being honest is hard...at first. but once you're out there, you feel stupid for not being out there earlier.