I've been thinking about a girlfriend

Been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I need one, I want one. They aren't so bad, are they? Someone to kiss, someone to hold. Isn't it normal to think this way at 20? It's biological; nothing could be more natural. We are animals, thinking animals--praying and studying and driving cars and piloting airplanes. Liars don't use contractions, they like to formalize their language--deliberation is deception. Why do we have relationships? Companionship, sexual gratification or release, a sense of belonging--a dimmed sense of unmitigated loneliness. Loneliness seems the best natural state of humans. We do not learn as children how to be lonely, we just know somehow when we're born that ourselves aren't enough when pitted against the world in this arena. You're the same, you're the same, you're the same. The same as me, the same as me. I wonder: how lonely is everybody today? I'm feeling quite lonely, quite desperate. Natural inclination to breed and explore. What's the difference when it happens? Who do I wait for? Myself, my lonely self.

Relationships: some never leave one, some never need one. I need one.

This whole life situation

Sometimes it's hard to think about--this whole life situation. It's true that money dictates everything; it's the fuel for living. A part of me hates that, though it does accept the truth. That's the thing about truth: you may not have to like it, but you must accept it. What is true anyways? Anyways.

Like I said, part of me hates this life situation: get born, grow up, go to school, job, career, career, family, struggle, retirement(?), death, gone. And money keeps it running. It's so predictable. The youthful, creative side of me is inside right now, shaking his head, saying, "No, no, no, no; my life won't be like that." Oh, really?

Sometimes it's hard to live knowing money will dictate my life. Is there a way to escape? What do I want out of life anyway? It's painful to think about.