Thursday, June 27, 2013

june 27 2013

there's something inside us
that's like a soul
that cannot be touched
or harmed at all
--"number 5"

you should read WONDER by r.j. palacio. it's so so so so so very sweet and funny and kind and joyfully entertaining.

i wish i were a more driven, ambitious individual. i wish i had an urge to achieve great, wonderful things. but all i want to do is read and love.

if you do the work, the shit takes care of itself.

"number 3"
i need to transfigure my life.
i'm a cloud
when i could be rain.

i have a recurring day dream. i go back in time to when i was 6 in elementary school and start my life over again. i have the same brain as i do now. with it, i'm able to excel in everything i do. i sit in class, quietly, bored, and think about the ways i'll make my life better the second time around. that's my daydream: to start over my life.

wish i could go back in time
start my life over again
fix the mistakes that've led me here
don't want to live like this anymore
--from "number 2"

if i'm not honest with myself, who is left? i'm honest.
the title of my poetry collection: "Autobiography."
 
"number 1"
I see the unstoppable bending of light around you.

secretly we hug,
sweetly. she whispers, 'i love you,
i do'
 
--and
 flickers
 under
the
 dark 
street 
lamp.


Friday, June 21, 2013

june 21 2013

okay, i thought this was pretty weird. strange. coincidental. again, no camera. sorry, long.

i went hiking again today at the trail with the cross. this time i went by myself because i felt like being alone. it was burning hot when i started hiking up. it was around 3 o'clock and hardly anybody was on the trail because it was so hot. i started the trail with my sleeves rolled up so i could even my tan; by the end i had taken off my shirt. yeah, it was kinda weird being one of those guys--those 'shirtless in public' guys--but i figured it would cool me off faster, nobody was around, the people who were on the trial had their shirts off as well, it would even my tan even better, and it was a new experience.

i got up to the top huffing and puffing. i guess i'm out of shape? i don't know.

i was sitting, shirtless, on the bench in front of the cross when from the other end of the trail a middle-aged guy comes walking up. he said "Ow" when i first saw him, and kept repeating it. "ow, ow, ow." he was wearing loose jeans and about three shirts, one of which was a striped long-sleeve with a collar. the one on top was a faded orange t-shirt. he had thinning white hair on top of his round head, and his aviator sunglasses were bifocals.

he sat down next to me. he pulled out a waterbottle from his waistband, and he set down the draw-string bag he had around his wrist. i said, 'hot, isn't it?" he said it was better than some days we've been having. i asked him if he needed any water, thinking he was dehydrated. he shook his bottle and said, "i've got some. or some ice, at least." keep in mind i was still shirtless at the time.

he got up and started talking about christianity. he was a christian, he said, and he walked this trail every single day. he went from weighing 280 lbs to 170 lbs. i said, 'wow, that's impressive." he kept on going. he didn't stop talking for ten minutes. he jumped from subject to subject like he was thinking and talking at the same time.

he said he had thirteen jobs the past thirty-two years. he asked me if i went to a certain local high school because my shorts were the school colors. no, i said. then he asked what high school i went to. i said the other local high school. he didn't seem to think about it. he immediately started talking about his sons. he said he had three children, all sons i think. they graduated from another, third, high school. then one of them got an MBA from stanford in physics or something. he repeated that about three times. he said the younger ones were twins. one of them played football in high school. he said, "do you know this restaurant?" it was some restaurant in the area. i said, "Yeah, i've never been there, but i know it." he gave me a sarcastic eye-roll face and said, "all right, if you go into that restaurant, look at the wall on the left. there's a plaque that says CIF Football champions 1968. Number 30," he said, " the one knealing in the front or second row, I think." he said his son played about five or six different positions: kicker, punter, defensive end, wide receiver.

then he said he played football, too. "Touchdown Tommy Smith, " he called himself. he said he played for a junior college. i guess he was pretty good, from what he was saying.

he kept talking about his sons. they're about thirty now, and he kept saying that one of them got a degree in physics from stanford, and went to so and so polytechnic college. he said he wrote the best physics thesis in the college. "it was about nuetron stars," he said, and he proceeded to tell me the title. something about radiation from neturon stars, and if they produce most of the radiaton in the galaxy, or something like that. his version was much more technical and correct. "it was the title page, okay? and the next page was a blank sheet of white paper." i said, "Huh?" "at the bottom of it, were the words, "I give my thanks and honor to my savior, Jesus Christ." then he said, explaining, " my son's a christian. like me."

at this point he had gotten his bag and was walking toward the cross. he said, "you know, i come up here everyday, and i don't mind collecting the things people drop." right next to the cross, in the dirt, were a couple of empty water bottles. "it's free," he said, "and I come up here everyday anyway. might as well do my part, right?" i was going to agree with him and show a bottle and rice krispies wrapper i found on the trail on my way up, but he started talking again.

"i've had thirteen jobs in the past thirty-two years," he said, "trying everything to support my family and paying the house." he had picked up the water bottles and was standing right next to me. i started feeling stinging on my legs and saw a fly buzzing around me. i started to put my shirt back on. "you know, i've had thirteen jobs in the past thirty-two years, and you know what? if i wasn't a christian, "he said, pointing at the cross, "i'd be very bitter right now. I'd be a bitter person." i nodded slowly and kept swatting at the stinging fly landing on my leg.

he told me about his college experiences. he got a degree in english from cal state los angeles; he said he wanted to be a writer or a teacher. do you see the oddness now? he said he ended up as an engineer. "you ever done any engineer work before?" i told him no. he started talking about working as an engineer, something about a lubricated piston that was sitting on a shelf that had to be one one-thousandth of an inch. he repeated that about five times. i nodded like i knew what he was talking about. he also worked as a bouncer at a saloon, he said. i didn't know what saloon he was talking about, whether it was the name of a place or if he worked at bar that was like a saloon.

then he started talking about christianity again. he called allah, the muslim god, a chicken-shit. then hastily, he looked worried as he said, "are you a muslim or anything?" you know i'm not religious at all, but i didn't want to tell that to this guy; he seemed a bit off and volatile; who knows what he would have said if i had told him that. he may have said or done any number of things. so i told him "no, i'm not a muslim." he talked about the suicide bombers, calling them chicken-shits, then he pointed up at the sky and started shouting a little bit. "allah is a chicken-shit, and he is a false god, too!" i wanted to say that, theologically speaking, allah is the same god as the christian god, but at this point i didn't want to say anything that might set this guy off. "don't you think that's a chicken-shit thing to do?" he asked me about suicide bombers. he said, "sure, you can believe in buddhism. i was into that for a while. you can believe in hinduism," he said, and started naming off hindu gods. "vishnu, shiba, ......." that's when he started talking about muslims being chicken shits, and when he asked me if i was muslim. "forty-two virgins," he said, "believe in that, if it floats your boat." then he started shouting again: "but if you kill, if you do something--boston bombing--you're a chicken-shit. it's a chicken-shit religion."

then he started talking about the persecution of early christians. apparently he read the bible back in 1982 or '83, and he started to believe. he was talking about the martyrs of early christianity when he suddenly stopped talking and asked me, "what's your name?" i told him. "All right, "he says, "do you think, when [my name] and Tom, they start talking about Christianity, they didn't get tortured or killed or kicked out of places? how many martyrs are there? those people, they say [my name] and Tom, they get killed if they go around, you know?" at this point he was at his most incomprehensible. i couldn't follow what he was talking about. he was staring down fiercely at me, eyes locked with mine; i kept swatting at the fly on my leg.

then he repeated his jobs claim again. "i've had thirteen jobs the past thirty-two years. i was working as an engineer. i had a degree in english. i have a degree in english from cal state los angeles. i wanted to be a writer--or a teacher!"

"some people," he said, "talk about the suicide bombings to me, and try to compare them with christianity. i was a football player; i was a bouncer at saloon; i was a bouncer at saloon, all right, and a football player. i tell them, 'don't talk that stuff around me, all right?' those chicken-shits blowing themselves up for their chicken-shit religion." i could see his eyes behind his dark glasses, and when i glanced inside his mouth i noticed white foam from having talked for so long.

another guy walked up the trail, a chubby man wearing a black tank-top and with greasy thin hair and a thick mustache. "god bless you," tom said to him. "God bless you, brethren," the black tank-top guy said in return. "oh, thank you very much." the tank-top guy took a photo of the cross with his phone, and started walking back down the trail. tom and him said god bless you to each other one more time.

i guess you may not see the strangeness still. the strangeness of meeting a man named Tom at the top of this mountain, who got a degree in english, and who wanted to be a writer. when he kept saying, "[my name] and Tom, when those people say, '[my name] and Tom,'" i thought, 'what does this mean? could this guy be a metaphor or symbol for something about my life? is this fate, or coincidence, that i've met this man named Tom?'

i guess he had to go, or got tired, because he started walking back down the trail. not before talking about his wife and him. they looked at each other, one day, when he was 280 lbs, i guess, and said to themsleves, "we can do better." they started running, but "oh," he said, "it hurt my kness so badly. i had to keep pulling up the wraps on my thighs and i had to wear a backbrace." "then, four years ago," he continued, "we found this place," meaning the trail, "and, WOW!" he raised his arms up. "And it's all free!"

before he left, he said, "God bless you, [my name]." i didn't know else to say, so i said, "god bless you, too." he didn't leave right away. he talked about his wife and sons some more.but finally, as he was going down the hill to the trail, he said "god bless you" again. i didn't know what to say again, so i said, "you, too." this seemed to please him, because he said "thank you, [my name]," and then he left.

after he left, i sat down next to the cross and started eating an apple, thinking about what had just happened, organizing my thoughts to eventually write down here. he was a strange person, yes, and i'm sure he wasn't all there, if you know what i mean. then again, he seemed quite knowledgeable about a lot of different subjects. the one thing that struck me as the oddest feature about him, i thought the five minutes i sat eating, was the fact that he wore loose jeans and a lot of shirts. it was about 90 or 95 degrees, and we were standing directly in the sun the entire conservation. why was he wearing that?

i found a shaded area a little further down the trail, and sat down to finish my snacks and rest a little bit. i kept thinking about my encounter with this guy, the rapidity in which he talked, the range of topics and issues which he touched upon, the realistic weirdness of the whole incident. when he first approached, i felt a bit of fear that he might rob or hurt me. i was thinking maybe a kidnapping or a beating. but halfway through his talking, i stopped feeling afraid and started to wonder and grow curious. who was this guy, and what was he talking about?

there's also the whole thing about his name. tom. that's my name on here, but in the real world, it's an usual name for me to come across. he kept saying, "when [my name] and Tom, [my name] and Tom." the joining of these names left me thinking: which parts of me are Tom, the writer, the blogger; and which parts of me are [my name]?

i relaxed in the shade for about an hour. i was talking funny pictures of myself with my phone. at one point i put my baseball hat on backwards so that a small tuft of my hair was sticking out the front. i thought i looked pretty handsome. on my way back down i kept laughing thinking about one of the funny pictures i took with my phone. i kept my hat backwards.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

june 20 2013

seriously dull

1:17 am

all right, it's currently 1:17 am, and i feel like writing. i don't know why i write so late. habit, maybe?

what i did today. hmm.

i went to my friends house to play dungeons & dragons. we were supposed to play at 5 pm. the only people there were the guy who lives there, and the guy who lives across the street and his girlfriend.

(god, i may need names for these people.)

okay, i'm back with some randomly generated names.

Matt--the guy whose house we went to
Kevin--the guy who lives across the street
Francine--the girlfriend of Kevin

remember a few weeks back i talked about going to a house party in some guys backyard and how i danced and was almost bitten by a pitbull? that party was at kevin's house. there was also a girl there; that girl is Francine. Kevin and Francine only recently got together; i don't think they were together at the time of the party. Matt was the one who left unexpectedly for a girl. in fact, i found out today that he has a girlfriend. she's black and he's mexican. kinda out of the ordinary?  i think so. not a bad thing, though.

anyway, no one who was supposed to play was there--except for Matt. i had to text people.

eventually we started playing. Kevin and Francine even joined-in, although Francine looked bored the entire time we played.

then Matt had to go to work. he works nights from 9 to like 6 in the morning, i think. kevin, francine, two other friends, and I decided to go eat. we were joined by another person at the restaurant--the boyfriend of the girl who went hiking with us on monday. his girlfriend wasn't there.

then we went to another friend's house--the one with the older sister. i was talking with her for about ten minutes or so in his room. then she went to sleep. there were three of us in my friends room. since he had recently cleaned his room and closet, he was getting rid of a jacket, and asked if we wanted it. my friend and i both wanted it. in the end, we decided to flip a coin. i won! then we watched the episode of arrested development where maeby tries to convince steve holt that her mother is a man. i left soon after it finished.

siblings

 

i have two siblings, an older brother and a younger sister. they both live at home with my parents and me.

my brother is older than me by three years; i'm twenty-two. when we were younger, we shared a bedroom, and it felt like we were a lot closer. as an annoying little brother, i would follow him everywhere and want to do the things he was doing. eventually, we separated rooms and we stopped talking as much. i think it was for the best. his personality and personal living habits sincerely irritate and infuriate me. there's a lot more i could say about this, but i think it's best to leave it for now. i should add that it's nothing criminal or devious, just different from me.

my sister is younger than me by two years. in high school i used to walk home with her. i'm tremendously proud of her: she's smart and hard-working and determined in school. so, kind of like the opposite of me. haha, it's really true. her personality sometimes bugs me; she can be cold or mean or, to a certain extent, cruel. sometimes she's disagreeable, i should say. she's stubborn and believes she's always right. anyway, i still love her very much. it's funny. in junior year of high school, i was crushing on some girl who was in my math class. she had an older brother, or several older brothers, and she knew that i had a younger sister. at the time, i would fake an overly protective instinct regarding my sister because this girl i liked seemed to think it was sweet. it was pretend because i really didn't care if my sister was talking to a guy or something since it's not particularly any of my business; yet this girl seemed to respond to the protective older brother role, so i laid it on thick sometimes. what's even funnier is that now that we're both older, i actually do feel a protective instinct toward my sister. she's so sweet and funny and i'm so proud of her, i want the best for her and don't want her to hurt. it's only gotten stronger since high school.

that's a good place to stop.

2:03 am

Monday, June 17, 2013

june 17 2013

little social interactions in my everyday life

morning

this morning, at 8, my friends and i went hiking at a nearby trail. not the same one as last time; this one is much more relaxed. i didn't take pictures or video, and i guess there's a few reasons for that: 1. my memory card is full and i didn't feel like uploading stuff into my computer; 2. the past few times i've hung out with my friends, i've had my camera; i'm starting to notice them acting self-conscious around me because of my camera, so i wanted to stop or at least delay the association they have of my presence and them feeling self-conscious; 3. i didn't know if we'd be running on this trail, and i was afraid i'd drop my camera.

my friends girlfriend went with us, but her boyfriend did not. it was the first time, i think literally, that we've hung out with her without her boyfriend--who is still our friend. she brought another girl with her, whom she introduced as her sister-in-law.

it was funny driving over there. there was five of us, including myself, and we took one car. i was in the backseat with my friends girlfriend and her sister-in-law. i could feel the tension in my body as i tried to not accidentally touch my friends girlfriend. with some people you can rest your thigh against their thigh or your arm against their arm; i could not do that with her.

okay, i admit it: i looked at her butt a few times up the trail.

i realize that people are distant to me not because they don't want to be close with me, but because i don't make an effort to build a relationship with them. some people may not want that; some people may be genuinely uninterested or bothered or even repulsed by me. you know what i say to that? "whatever."

humility

my dad's truck broke down on saturday night. on sunday he took it to the mechanics. today my mom and i went to pick up his truck while my dad was at work. unfortunately, it's a manual, and neither my mom or i know how to drive a manual. i've actually practiced a few times, so i actually do know how and have some experience with my brother's car.

i drive us there in my car. when we give them the payment, my mom asks if they can deliver the truck to my grandma's house which is about a four minute drive away in traffic--about .8 miles. the guy, in chinese-accented english, said no, they don't deliver cars. my mom kept insisting, saying that it wasn't very far away, it wouldn't be much trouble. finally, the guys says okay, and he'll have one of his mechanics follow my car to my grandma's house, but i'd have to give him a ride back. fair enough.

i felt tremendous shame and anger in not being able to drive my dads truck. i told my mom that i could drive the truck to my grandmother's house, but i know that my dad had no confidence in my manual driving and insisted that the mechanic take it. that, or my mom had no confidence in my driving. since it's the truck my dad uses for work, it's very important that nothing happen to it. they didn't want to risk me breaking the transmission in a four minute drive. i was humiliated. i swallowed my pride and tried to make myself humble and didn't say anything.

tips

i dropped my mom off at my grandmas house. the mechanic driving my dads truck got into my car. i said, 'thank you very much, i appreciate it,' or something like that. he said, 'no problem.' then we were silent all the way back. conversation, like a lot of things, isn't about how much you talk; it's about technique. it's like driving; going fast doesn't mean you're a good driver--not necessarily. there's a technique to driving; there's different skills like vision, understanding the spatial relationships of your car, ie, knowing where your car is in it's dimensions, analyzing traffic patterns, basic hand-eye coordination, etc, etc. for conversation, people who are good at conversing with others have habits or techniques for getting people to open up or for making them feel at ease. i think. it seems that some people learn this very young, but i think it is possible to learn through practice. i want to learn these skills, yet i'm too scared of people to practice.

anyway, i gave the guy 5 dollars for helping us.

a bit of my life


The street i grew up on. the hands i grew up with.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

june 12 2013

  around 2 am

Sometimes i can't believe people read this blog, and want to read it. this is just an attempt to boost my ego, but why do you want to read this?

i'm trying to post more often, for in the past i updated once or twice a month and never felt satisfied with my output. it's difficult--always--to post something new. i want everything i write to be interesting or deep or meditative or honest or funny or introspective or generally a piece of writing that is worth reading. i'm worried that as my output increases the quality of my posts will lower. then again, if they were never really good in the first place, what do i need to worry for, eh?

you know, it's been more than three years since i've started blogging. i don't know how to feel about that. to me, it seems like a long time to stick to blogging, but i know some people have been blogging since 1997 or the invention of the world wide web or whatever, so what's three years, really? still, three years of life has passed, and how fast they've gone has surprised me.

you want to know what is one of my biggest fears here? it's that the people who read my blog will move on with their lives and stop reading and never return, and i'll be alone again. the hardest part is that i can't blame them, for i know that i, too, may stop blogging one day. i think that if i were ever to do that, i'd say goodbye first because i'd want some kind of closure in this part of my life. after all, we're just people talking on the internet. all of us have feelings.

i'm sincerely glad i am here.

10 am

 i got a text this morning. it was one of my friends. i've mentioned him before, the one who had a baby when he and his girlfriend were 18; the one, in fact, who's wedding i once talked about. he sent a picture of himself with his arm around his pregnant wife (same girl); they were standing inside a car dealership, behind them was their new Nissan with a caption that said, "Look what we got!"

i think that's a nice image. first time his girlfriend was pregnant, he was a young, rash, recent high school graduate with no money and a minimum wage job; now he's an imminent (i think) college graduate with a full, high paying career, and his young girlfriend is now his beautiful wife. the difference four years can make.
 
sometimes i can't believe he's the same age as me, and in fact, one month younger than me. he seems so much older. he has a wife, a kid, another baby on the way, a high paying job in finances that i don't understand, a new car, and he is (i think) graduating from college this semester. that's impressive, isn't it?
 
i would hope that i could be even half as successful as he is someday. i'm not jealous or envious, not really; i'm more in awe, and to be honest, i'm a bit proud. however, it does worry me. will i ever make it on my own feet? will i be able to support a family, have a wife and kids, a house, a car, enjoy working and not constantly worry about losing everything?
 
i am ashamed that i haven't done anything important in my life, or accomplished anything really worth mentioning.

1pm

my real name is not tom or thomas.

i have no idea what you think of this. maybe you feel betrayed; maybe you don't even care and i'm a big dummy. either way, sorry. in a way, it does feel like lying, and i do feel a slight bit of guilt for being misleading. i feel the need to clear my conscious.

Tom now does exist as a part of who i am since many of my deepest, private thoughts are revealed here; but to be truthful, it's not my real name, nor am i him--the one you know on here as Tom. does that make sense? sometimes it feels like you're talking about a completely different person when i post something. 'That's Tom,' I say, 'he wrote that; this is his blog.' no, this is my blog. i'm not tom, but tom is me. i know that won't make a lot of sense, but it is freeing to finally put into words the feelings i have about this issue.

i guess you can say that Tom is only one part of me, although he is an honest, private, reflective part. i am more than he is, but i haven't figured out by how much. i like to think part of me is Tom in spirit.

should i reveal my name on here? i don't know. i want to tell you my name, but i don't want to reveal too much. i can see it resulting in two ways: the mystery disappears, or even worse, you don't care.

i don't think i will.

haha, now what will you call me?

Saturday, June 8, 2013

june 7 2013

I'm going to do something i've never done before on my blog. I'm posting pictures. it's nothing special, but i suppose there's some kind of story behind it. here it goes, simply:

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

june 4 2013

it's 1:42 am. i feel lonely right now. and sick in my stomach. i want to cry; i want to feel sorry for myself. i have a headache. and i'm writing this because i don't want to feel that way.

making a living for yourself is a weird thing. everybody has to do something to get by. you have to work as a waiter, or be a teacher, or make homemade jewelry. everybody finds a  place for themselves where they live. i hope you know what i mean.

today i went to class. late. i'm constantly late.

haha! i just remembered something funny that happened to me today. oh, man, okay. i was walking from my car to class. on the way i walk past some tennis courts. there's a grassy hill overlooking the courts next to the walkway. so to get to the tennis courts from the walkway you would have to go down a grassy hill. i was walking to class, and on the grassy hill was a girl lying down. but the way she was lying down--facing towards the tennis courts, away from the walkway-- you could kind of see down her shirt and see her boobs popping out. it wasn't sexy or arousing, it was just really damn funny that she didn't even seem to care or notice. and what it made it ten times funnier was that as i was walking down the walkway towards my class, some guy was walking towards me from the opposite direction. anyway, as we were about to pass each other, i made eye contact with him in a sort of, 'hey, what's up' kind of way, really casual. he looked at me back, and as he did, i turned my head towards the girl with the revealing top laying next to the walkway on the grassy hill, in a, 'hey, check that out' kind of way. i just felt like i needed someone else to see and acknowledge the wackiness of the situation. i thought he didn't understand me, but right before we passed he turned his head and saw the girl with her boobs exposed. then he turned back at me, and for a second his face didn't change, so i thought he didn't see what i saw. but then his face spread into a grin, and i couldn't help but grin back at him and laugh. it was a 'i can't believe it; what the hell is she doing?' kind of smile, where something good but also something really weird was happening. then we passed each other and i went to class smiling.

on one hand, boobs; but on the other, what the hell was she thinking? i don't want you to get the idea that i was staring at this girls boobs for like 10 minutes straight with my mouth open and drooling like a hungry dog; this all happened as i was walking, and i only caught a glancing view of her boobs, which weren't really her boobs but the top of her cleavage, kind of. it was more funny than sexy. but man, i just loved it when that dude and i shared looks and smiles, as if we were both saying without speaking, 'what the fuck is going on?' i seriously laughed my way to class.

i wish you could have been there and see the whole thing. oh god, it made me smile so much. it's so much fun connecting with people without speaking, even if it's a stranger passing next to you.

i feel a lot better. thinking about that incident has cheered me up. i feel like i could be a lot happier, but for now i feel okay.

thank you for listening. thank you.

catalog of august 2020

 Unemployed, depressed(?) heat wave dehydrated Dreams from My Father birds d&d anxiety geri getting us a light cover front neighbors guy...