Something simple, something true

Something honest. Okay, honesty time: I am terrified of death. Whenever I hear of an old person dying, reality hits me. They're dead. They're gone, never, ever to return. That's it: they're done forever. I get chills and then feel like crying. Why is death so terrifying? It's permanence, I suppose; it's one situation in our life we cannot possibly change. That's why hope is so important: if we have hope that our lives will change and improve, then we want to keep living. But if there's no hope whatsoever, then what's the point in living? This isn't some bullshit hypothetical question. If you don't think your life can ever improve, and you're miserable, then why are you living? Sanctity of life this, the sin and stigma of suicide that--blah, blah, blah.

Hope saves.

I think of people out there in the world who live to survive, who struggle for food. My life is nothing like that, and I'm grateful. That's the second step, I suppose, in becoming empathetic: first step, recognize the plight of others; second step, analyze your life in comparison;  third step, help.

How do I learn empathy? I have none...If, say, a girl in one of my classes said she was engaged, I wouldn't care. I honestly wouldn't. Same goes if she said she were pregnant. I'd say Congratulations, naturally, because that's what you're supposed to say, but I wouldn't mean it. Do I care about her pregnancy? Not in the slightest. Same goes for friends who complain how tired they are after work. Even big stuff like sickness or death, I don't care. I don't feel anything for them. I only think of how their problems affect me. This is my biggest, most shameful secret.

I'm not a monster. I'm only scared, selfish, and petty. I'm a small boy inside.

Oath

I solemnly swear to acknowledge that I will not die if people don't like me, if I perceive that people don't like me, or even if people ignore me somewhat.

Te Veo

I'm starting to think perpetual anxiety and fear is normal--at least a little bit. I'm in a bit of a trough situation at the moment.

ps: i'm turning 21 next week. god, i'm so young...and stupid.