Busy Christmas 2014

i woke up around 11 am. i spent the entire day watching movies with my brother and sister. we watched wreck-it ralph and skyfall. then my family ate dinner--just ourselves in our house. my dad recorded us on his phone, then made us watch the video during dinner. we ate turkey with stuffing, red and white rice, avocados split in half, salad with radish and carrot; for desert we had flan and peach pie. i drank the sweetest red grape drink ever.

after dinner we exchanged gifts for secret santa. i bought my dad the 3 film collection of lord of the rings because for some reason, even though he absolutely does not watch movies, he likes those movies. we put it on and the whole family watched the fellowship of the ring. my brother went off to go sleep halfway through; my sister went to see her friend a little after that. i enjoyed the movie -- being the first time I've ever seen it and paid attention.

now i'm typing this in my room, waiting until tomorrow when my friends are doing a white elephant gift exchange. i bought 3 dvds at best buy for $9. the gift exchange is at 7pm at my friend sandi's house.

 then, after that, it's on to new years. after new years, school will begin again (on the 6th, i think). after that, it's weekday classes and studying and driving to and from school, and not much else. in the spring, i'll graduate. if all goes to the current plan, and if i'm lucky, a few months after graduation comes grad school at the same college. then the cycle repeats, and so on.

phew. it just keeps going.

I confess

the truth is that i'm just incapable of loving as deeply as some people. i don't care enough, nor do i have the capacity to do so. i'm too selfish. i was too coddled growing up. i'm spoiled. i can't enter people's heads and hearts.

no, not true. i can enter people's heads easily enough; i can study their character and their motivations, too. but to enter their hearts, where the soul finds a home? that i cannot achieve. that fails for me. i'm barred from entering not by a lock on the door, but from the fear to turn the knob. i'm stuck outside, shivering in the cold. it's my own heart that's locked.

I guess

Introspective night. Watched the Michael Buble special tonight. Really talented person. Ate crispy chocolate chip cookies my sister made. had milk. Wonder if I'll ever overcome my anxiety and apply for a job. There's an offer for an internship at metro that my uncle told me about. pays not great, about 12.50, but it's an opportunity. with graduation upcoming, i must expect the inevitable rush and then blankness of my life unplanned. the strongest yearning for grad school is to delay the workforce for another two years. is that so? it's also to stay competitive in whatever field i enter. i know I'm capable of doing good work; i'm not the hardest worker, but given the right mood I can be. i don't wish to be a workaholic or anything; read poetry and work hard should be my motto. and i don't mean just poetry, but literature and film and tv shows too. you know: art. i study english literature for the past five and a half years, and i've only recently realized how lucky i am. i'm a student of not only rhetoric and composition, but of art and history, psychology and character development, anthropology and the finer points of thinking for one's self. so many assumptions put into our brains by heavy-handed media, how to sift, how to sift? watching ariana grande in the christmas special, an attractive young woman packaged to sell. sex and grace; a virgin yet chaste and sexy. what's the label say? it's funny that this entertainment is manufactured, while i assume it's natural. what is natural? what the philosophers try to figure out, i guess. i guess, i guess. "And though no more in folds of pleasure, / Kiss follows kiss in countless measure". read that today and thought, woah! nice. lord byron was a pervert anyway. where am i getting at in this post? it feels good to share my boredom and thoughts. it's only a a temporary relief though.

I wish

She wore sunglasses and a white t-shirt. I didn't spot her until she said hello. We stopped and talked for a bit. Talked about professors and classes. She almost said the bell's about to ring when she left. Like in high school.

I hope

I want so much more, you know? But that's bad. I know to want is bad. But I can't dissolve it away.

Some guy honked at me in the school parking lot. I was walking to my car when he pulled up alongside me. I turned and smiled at the girl in the passenger seat. When I turned back around a car horn startled me. I turned around. The girl was laughing, pointing at the guy driving. I stared at her and him, even though I couldn't see him because of the glare from the sun.

"Why?" I asked myself. "Why?"

 The girl got self-conscious and played with her hair as I stared for five or six more seconds. I raised my hand--you know, palm down, facing toward them -- to end my staring. I thought about not leaving, just so that guy wouldn't get my parking space. Then I reconsidered. As I pulled away, all I thought was, "Please, get out of my life. I don't want people like you in it. I struggle enough without people like you in it. Don't exist with me."

Because fuck vengeance and getting angry. It's the guys problem, his own insecurity. For what? Smiling at his girlfriend? That guy's living his own life and I'm just a character in it. He's got problems too. Why get angry at him for suffering like me?