2 years

I just realized that this month marks the two year anniversary of my blog

Playing Pretend

If you saw last weeks episode of Community (or, like me, you only saw the first half), then you know that in the beginning of the episode Abed was teaching Annie how to use the Dreamatorium.

To be honest, I think that's a really, really cool idea: a zone for endless imagination.

When I was younger, I would play Pretend a lot. Most of my recesses in elementary school were spent playing pretend with my then-best friend (who, coincidentally, shared my name and lived on the same block as me).

What I loved most about playing was that you could anything you wanted; nothing was limited or out-of-bounds. We also played pretend a lot whenever we'd go to each others' houses. I loved playing Power Rangers or Link from The Legend of Zelda (video game series). I loved pretending my sword could deflect bullets. I loved solving mysteries and riddles and taking down to bad guys. I loved pretending I had magic powers and could shoot fireballs and teleport places.

It makes sense, then, that I'm passionate about Dungeons and Dragons. Its a game where friends gather in one place at one time to use their imaginations to be heroes. I know it got a bad rap in the 80s or whenever because people though it was about demons or devil-worship. But the myths couldn't be further from the truth. DnD is a game about friendship and playing Pretend and scaling 500 foot cliffs on the edge of chance. Just because a few people who play DnD happened to like or worship demons or whatever, doesn't mean that the game itself is about those things. Just like not every person of the Islamic faith is a terrorist; just like not every Christian in the United States is a anti-gay, redneck bigot.

What was I going on about?

Update: that girl in my Philosophy class DOES have a boyfriend, as I suspected. No big deal. But what kinda annoyed me was that she was being really flirty the past week or so, hitting or touching my arm and such. I'm sure she wasn't trying to be flirty; it's probably her personality. Maybe? I guess so. But it makes things confusing and complicated. My advice for today: don't flirt with anyone you don't expect to maybe date in the future. Can you now see why guys are surprised when you just want to be friends with them? Even the smallest bit of flirtation will set a guy's imagination running wild. Both sides need to have reasonable expectations to avoid or reduce hurting others.

Thinking, as always

No matter what obstacles and displeasure and let-downs affect us, there is always hope. The disappointments and embarrassments and shame we may feel can never last longer than our hope. Hope is beautiful. Hope is brilliant. We often say one shouldn't dare to hope. But I say you should! You should hope! Hope makes everything better--with time, with patience. Life itself is the hope of progress, order, and fulfillment. With death comes the hope of remembrance, of Heaven, or someplace in between. Hope is our friend, our lover; we are supported by it at all turns of our lives. If we haven't already, we should meet hope, keep hope, and move forward as better people.

 

"Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops at all -"

  --Emily Dickinson

 

 

Easter with Me

In my very humble opinion, I think I'm mother fudging hilarious. But a lot of people don't seem to agree with me.

In my philosophy class, we're talking about the soundness of arguments. We're not really discussing ideas. It's more like schematizing and evaluating arguments.

In my own special way, I'm very egotistical. Last Wednesday, that girl in my philosophy class sent me a text. She asked if I wanted to compare homework after class because we're taking the midterm next week. I said sure. Naturally, I have no reason to doubt her motives: talk about philosophy and compare homework answers so she could get a better grade in the class. But then there's the egotistical side that says, 'She wants you. She wants you. She--wants--you.' I have reason to believe she has a boyfriend. I have reason to believe she wants to get a good grade in the class. I don't, however, have reason to believe 'she wants me.' I don't flirt with her or try anything funny. I don't talk to her outside of class, except for a minute or two directly afterwards. So why do I half-heartedly expect something to happen between us?

I feel so trapped by sex and expectations all the time. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I've never had a girlfriend before--never kissed anyone on the lips before. I know it's all a matter of confidence and effort, but it feels useless at times. I expect it to happen one day, but I'm scared that one day may be long away. I'm frightened that I'm not good enough for anyone; that I don't belong with another person because there's something fundamentally wrong with me. What's wrong with me? Why won't anyone love me? I'm just as kind and can be just as sincere as anyone else--probably even more so! So then, why won't any one love me? Why doesn't anyone like me? Me, the presence; me, the mind shuttled around in this capsule called body; me, the genuine coward and lion-heart. The sincerest, purest form of me calls out for another, wants something other than itself to hold and carry and love. Is it because I'm not good enough?

I suddenly feel very tired and sad talking about this. Don't judge me too harshly.

As for the girl, I expect to do nothing but study.

Normal Update

Today was fun.

We got our exams back in Psychology. I got a 72%: much better than I expected. I'm content with C's.

Then, in Philosophy we got our quizzes back. I got a 14/15. Pretty good, considering I don't read the book or do the practice problems. There's this really strange girl that I talk to after class. Our moms know each other, strangely enough, and so the first day I recognized her. To avoid anything awkward, I kinda initiated an introduction, since we had never spoken to each other before and had only briefly seen each other. Anyway, she's kind of weird. Weird in a off-putting way. We haven't really hit it off; I don't feel any particular comfort or eagerness when talking to her. It's an acquaintance of convenience, really, since in the future we might see each other. She has a sister that's my age (older), whom I had in several high school classes. You know how sometimes telling the truth can be kind of mean? You'll see in a minute. Whenever I think of these two sisters, this thought always comes to my head. The thing is, the older sister, the one my age, is, to put it bluntly, the "ugly one", and the younger one, the one in my philosophy class, is the "cute one". Doesn't sound very nice, right? But it's true. At least in my opinion. I'm only speaking of physical features, of course. The older sister is much easier to talk with, and gives off a much more friendly demeanor (although, with a quirky and reserved girl like her, friendly is kind of a stretch). So, I suppose I wished the younger sister was a bit more friendly, but remained cute. I guess what I just realized is that no one is really what you totally want.

I've been working out for the past month and a half. Nothing much, just an hour three times a week. I'm starting to feel a little bored, but I really can't argue with the results I'm starting to notice.

Things to do for tomorrow:
--read Acts 1 & 2 of Hamlet for my Shakespeare class
--prepare weekly Dungeons and Dragons meeting
--read Philosophy book
--prepare for power point presentation on Thursday
--eat my vegetables
--swing by Barnes & Nobles (maybe?)
--keep loving myself/look forward to stuff

We might have a birthday dinner on Sunday for two of my friends. I'm looking forward to that.