Thoughts for today

I think it would be nice to hang out with a girl. I'm trying to think of a way to make this not sound creepy or weird, but I can't. And I know I shouldn't really care since these are my personal, honest feelings.

Anyway, I think it would be nice to hang out with a girl. Not only have I never had a girlfriend in my life, but I've never really had any friends who were girls either. In elementary school I had some, but everything changed after puberty.

I've never really hung out with any girls. I don't count my sister or cousins or anyone in my family. I mean someone who is a friend and who also happens to be a girl. Are girls really so different than guys? I think she'd have to be a tomboy or something because I can't stand super girly girls.

Is it a comfort thing? Have I yet to meet a girl who feels comfortable enough around me to be my friend and hang out?

Is it a confidence thing? Am I so insecure that I can't be around the opposite sex?

Does everything have to lead to sex? No, no, of course not. It shouldn't, I mean. But it's kind of hard for me right now to think of anything else. Truthfully, when I see a hot girl my brain shuts down everything else and focuses only on sex. It's kind of hard to explain if you're not a guy (or that kind of girl, I guess). In a lot of ways, and for many guys, the saying "guys only have one thing on their mind" is pretty true. Does that sound mean or crude? Well, I think it's true, and deserves to be exposed. When I see a hot girl, my first thoughts aren't, "Gee, I really want to know more about her interests and hopes and dreams," or, "God, I would love to marry her!" They're more like, "Holy shit, she's hot. Goddamit, she's hot. Fuck, she's so fucking hot." And then I try to figure out a way to talk to her so eventually we could have sex. Of course, not all guys are like this, and a lot of guys actually do want to know more about a girl they like, but like I said: for many guys, this is true. (Maybe just young guys like me?)

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah! I think it would be pretty cool and nice and fun to hang out with a girl. Not so I can have sex. That's not what I mean at all. It's not an eventually to have sex thing. I mean just to hang out--like friends. Just to walk around the block or something and make observations about what we see and to make jokes and to look at her and think about how pretty she is. When you're with a pretty girl, boy, does the world look a whole lot better. You get a huge feeling of pride right inside your chest. Maybe that's barberic or something; I don't know. (I guess the pretty part means I want to be more than friends? I mean, I don't walk around with my guy friends and think about how handsome they look.)

Would it matter to me if she was ugly? I don't know. I think so. But then again, what if she had a really attractive, witty, smart, beautiful personality? Girls can't be pretty all the freaking time. But as long as she was pretty to me, you know? Like, her personality and face were really, really nice. Hmm. But isn't it natural to prefer good-looking people over average or even ugly people? I think so. I'd like to think I'm above this kind of judgement, and hopefully one day I will be. But right now looks kind of do matter. Not too much, but they do. Even though this is so obvious it's stupid, I admit that I like pretty girls.

I guess I just want someone to share my life with and to talk to and go places with and support and love and care for. And, yeah, sex would be great too, but it wouldn't be the main reason we were together. It would be nice and sweet, I think.

What I think I'm ultimately leading up to here is a girlfriend who is also a true friend and someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Yeah. A girlfriend.