New Years 2013

Yesterday, my family and I (excluding my brother because he was at work) went to visit some extended family. In Southern California, you can pretty much get anywhere using the 10, 210, 60, or 5 freeways. These are the ones that cut across from the ocean through Los Angeles and all the way to the desert and beyond. I hadn't seen my aunt and uncle (tia and tio) in about 5 years, and hadn't visited their house in about 10 years. They live about 40 minutes away, too; hardly a long drive.

We visited my aunt and uncle, and our older cousins. The aunt we visited is my dads older sister. We don't visit my dads side of the family often. I don't know why. I get uncomfortable around them because they speak Spanish--most don't know English--and my Spanish skills are severely weak. Like, I can ask for the bathroom and communicate basic feelings, but that's about it. No conversation I have in Spanish is going to last any length greater than five minutes. (My family is from Mexico, which explains the Spanish.)

Anyway, so I hadn't seen my cousins in about 10 years. My aunt has three children: the eldest daughter, the middle son, and the youngest daughter. The eldest is already married and moved away; the middle son is also married and has a son and lives in his parent's house; and the youngest already graduated from college and is working while living at home.

At first it was kind of awkward seeing them again. Truthfully, I felt nervous on the car ride there. I get nervous when meeting people--even people I already know. I get nervous seeing people if I haven't seen them for a while. Like they're going to reappraise me. It didn't help that once the hugging and hello's were finished and we were sat in the kitchen, my parents began speaking to my aunt and uncle in Spanish. I felt kind of left-out even though my sister was with me. I'm only able to pick out bits and pieces of information from words I know and the context around them.

Soon after we started eating tamales and chicken. It was about 4 in the afternoon, I think. The sun was beginning to set and it was getting windy outside.

Then my cousin, the youngest daughter, walked in. Her hair was wet so I assumed she just got out of the shower. She seemed really surprised to see me. Surprised and...yeah. Surprised is really the only thing I noticed.

She sat at the kitchen counter, kind of like a kitchen island or whatever, and we tried talking (she speaks English perfectly well), but I felt so awkward. I really liked seeing her again. I remember as kids we'd visit them a couple of times a year, and we'd play or watch TV. But that was so long ago, and we'd grown so much, it felt like I was meeting a stranger. Except that there was some kind of kindship I felt. A pre-built connection to her. It was like meeting a different version of myself. Maybe I say this because we share similar facial features: our eyes and eyebrows, our mouths, our skin tone and the general shape of head. It's nice having family, I've realized, because you already feel some kind of closeness to them--no matter how distant you are.

After about half an hour of trying to start a conversation, our cousin invited my sister and I to the mall. The whole time I was there I felt a strange vibe. The mall was exactly like the other billion malls in the US, but the atmosphere was different somehow. Less familiar, less approachable. I felt out of place the entire time.

We tried to talk a bit more, but it didn't really happen. I think my cousin is really great: she's open and laughs a lot, and when she gets excited she starts moving her whole body and her laughs get even louder. She seems like a really, really sweet, nice person. She even talked about how much she volunteers at her church and how much she enjoys it. This made me a bit self-conscious because I'm not a part of any faith and I don't go to church or anything, and I was afraid she'd ask me about that and get upset that I wasn't a religious person like her. But that never came up, and I was glad she didn't bring it up. Which made me think even more highly of her.

We got back around 9 'clock to my aunt's house. It was cold and even more windy. Crazy windy. The gusts of wind were blowing around my jacket and making lots of noise.

We stayed for another half an hour. My dad was talking politics with my uncle and my aunt and middle cousin. After we left, I got a really nice text from my youngest cousin. She said it was nice to see us after so long, and that we'll see each other soon. And I really believe she meant it. We may not have had a particularly fun or enjoyable evening together, talking like old friends and stuff like that, but we did see each other after 10+ years, and that was nice enough. Family is something different in life than everything else. It's a feeling of closeness even if you've been apart for a decade. It's looking at someone and literally seeing parts of yourself. It's having invitations to go somewhere or do something simply because you share some of the same blood. It's an automatic, effortless bond with other people; getting to be around people because you are their people. It's crazy and maybe irrational, but it's wonderful and I'm glad I have them.