Easter with Me

In my very humble opinion, I think I'm mother fudging hilarious. But a lot of people don't seem to agree with me.

In my philosophy class, we're talking about the soundness of arguments. We're not really discussing ideas. It's more like schematizing and evaluating arguments.

In my own special way, I'm very egotistical. Last Wednesday, that girl in my philosophy class sent me a text. She asked if I wanted to compare homework after class because we're taking the midterm next week. I said sure. Naturally, I have no reason to doubt her motives: talk about philosophy and compare homework answers so she could get a better grade in the class. But then there's the egotistical side that says, 'She wants you. She wants you. She--wants--you.' I have reason to believe she has a boyfriend. I have reason to believe she wants to get a good grade in the class. I don't, however, have reason to believe 'she wants me.' I don't flirt with her or try anything funny. I don't talk to her outside of class, except for a minute or two directly afterwards. So why do I half-heartedly expect something to happen between us?

I feel so trapped by sex and expectations all the time. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I've never had a girlfriend before--never kissed anyone on the lips before. I know it's all a matter of confidence and effort, but it feels useless at times. I expect it to happen one day, but I'm scared that one day may be long away. I'm frightened that I'm not good enough for anyone; that I don't belong with another person because there's something fundamentally wrong with me. What's wrong with me? Why won't anyone love me? I'm just as kind and can be just as sincere as anyone else--probably even more so! So then, why won't any one love me? Why doesn't anyone like me? Me, the presence; me, the mind shuttled around in this capsule called body; me, the genuine coward and lion-heart. The sincerest, purest form of me calls out for another, wants something other than itself to hold and carry and love. Is it because I'm not good enough?

I suddenly feel very tired and sad talking about this. Don't judge me too harshly.

As for the girl, I expect to do nothing but study.