april 25, 2013

lately, i've gone to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

i worry when it rains. if it rains hard, water gets into my headlights and the bulbs usually burn out. i must have bought 5 or 6 bulbs in the past 3 years.

one of my friends has a pretty girlfriend. she's normally the only girl who hangs out with us. sometimes i imagine making out with her. sometimes it's more than that. if she ever offered to make out, would i accept? it won't happen; she won't want to make out with anyone other than her boyfriend. it's satisfying and shameful to think about.

i'm always late to class. why is that? i don't ever feel like i want to be there, either.

there are some things in my room that should be thrown away, yet i can't. there are lots of old school papers from 6 years ago,  about six or 7 high school notebooks, expired information and acceptance letters from colleges when i was a senior in high school. some things i think i'll need one day; others make me paranoid because they have my personal information on them. the rest makes me sad.

i regret not working harder the past three years of college. i feel incompetent because i haven't gotten into a better university. when i'm driving around Los Angeles and I see stickers or placards that say UCLA on them, i feel disappointed. and lonely. i really would have liked going to UCLA. Así es la vida, i guess.

'when i become the next literary genius, they'll beg me to even visit their school'--that's what a part of my brain thinks.

i don't think i would make out with my friends girlfriend. even if nobody knew. because if he ever found out, he'd fall apart. he loves her with his life. it's just a stupid fantasy in my head that i would never talk about with my friends, or say out loud--except for here. i think it's because she's so pretty that i have these thoughts. that's really a stupid reason.

april 22, 2013

today i had a couple of classes in the morning. i always get to my first class late, which isn't understandable at all because it's at 9:45, which i think is a perfectly reasonable time for a class to start. but i'm always late nevertheless.

some girl next to me was checking me out in class. how do I know, you ask? she kept looking at me and playing with her hair. i caught her staring at me a few times. then, when we had to talk with the people sitting next to us, she seemed really eager to talk to me when i turned in her direction.

i guess because i've been working out a lot and swimming a lot i have some muscle now. at least that's what i attribute it to. lately, i've felt really comfortable with my body--by which i mean i feel attractive to some woman. but i'm still insecure about my face. my teeth, in particular, which are crooked and stained yellow. i've also noticed my face gets really greasy and oily. some pimples have been popping up on my forehead and nose despite the fact that i'm twenty-two. i'm thinking it has to do with increased testosterone from working out, but i don't know definitively what's causing the acne. general stress is another possibility.

back to this girl in this class. she was checking me out most of class, seemed really eager to talk with me during discussions, and. . . yeah. so what do i do? i ignore her. why? because i'm insecure about myself. i'm really, really, dangerously vain.

the girl wasn't bad looking. she wore round glasses, had straight brown hair, and her face was round. i also noticed she was wearing red lipstick and that her teeth weren't perfectly straight, but they were nice teeth. better than my teeth.

um, she was kind of thick, but she wasn't chubby or fat or anything. she wore tight jeans and a white, fluffy blouse. she was wearing sandals and her toes were painted red. call me gross, but she had nice feet. to be honest, i'm attracted to nice feet; seeing a girl with bare feet and bare legs makes me wild.

what's the point in all this? oh right.

this girl was checking me out, seemed really eager to talk to me, and i ignored her the entire class period. even if i wanted to talk more with her, i didn't feel like i could. in the moment, i felt so ashamed and embarrassed about my physical appearance, and i didn't want her to judge me for it. i thought that i couldn't bear that much pain--the pain of not being good enough for a girl i don't know. i chose to ignore her because my life was easier and less painful that way.

but was it really? who knows what could have come from a few words spoken between us. maybe she would be a really great girlfriend, and i blew my chance of being with her. but even if that were the case, i wasn't too physically attracted to her, which is important to me right now. i'm vain when i know the better choice is not to be.

i'm ashamed by my vanity and how i judge other people. i'm ashamed at my own insecurities when i tell other people that they shouldn't care what other people think. i'm embarrassed by the way i look and how i lack ways to comfortably communicate with people in real life. i don't want to be alone in my life. i don't want to become desperate and stay with someone just because i'm afraid of being alone. i want someone who is like me, who likes me, who is pretty, and who sees past the uncomfortable silences in my conversations and sees a very scared person trying not to drive other people away. in the end, that's all i want.


on an unrelated note:  i saw the film Life is Beautiful today. i recommend it. i particularly liked the first hour when the guy is trying to win over the love of a beautiful woman named Dora, and he repeatedly orchestrates meetings and is always calling her Princess. I just liked the way that he loved her passionately and deeply, and she responds to it.

i'll try to blog more often.

silly little things

1. graduate
2. marry
3. buy a house
4. own a business
5. have children
6. retire
7. end a war
8. write novels
9. fail art
10. live abroad
11. live alone
12. ? ? ?

my twelve(ish) labors.