Things about Goodbye

I was going over some of the people I follow. Many don't blog anymore. Some entries are two to three years old. They left us waiting. I'll never listen to their thoughts again. Isn't blogging strange? I feel forgotten. People leave, but if they don't say goodbye, it makes your feelings awkward.

There's a feeling inside me that hurts.  Everything is so quiet. You want to hold someone warm. Your hands are cold. You want someone else next to your body so much it hurts. It's easy to lose people. When you don't dig deep into someone, it's easier to brush them away. We've started something that has no satisfying conclusion. Did we know this? I expected to be loved, but not to love in return.

Why does it hurt so much? What is this?

early expectations

so the date never happened. we were going to the movies at 6:45 on sunday. I showered and changed and even styled my hair, which i never do. i was ready by 5:30. but when i called her she didn't answer. she sent me a text later saying she was sorry but she expected to be home earlier and couldn't make it. i said it was fine. she text me back a little later aplogizing, saying she felt really bad. i told her it was all right, that missing the movie didn't bother me at all, and that what i really wanted was just to spend some time with her. she said i truly seemed like a nice guy.

this is all true.

i don't know if i'm a nice guy. i'm a good guy. i'm a timid guy. i'm scared, cowardly, antisocial. i'm sometimes noble, sometimes heroic, usually honest. I'm witty, funny, sharp, and sarcastic, but i'm also dumb, slow to comprehend, and inattentive. i'm not mean, but i can be cruel. i'm not angry, but i lose my temper easily. what does a nice guy mean?

i'm optimistic about this girl. i see two possibilities: one, she's not interested; two, she's hesitant and shy. I see the second as most likely, but maybe that's the delusion talking. i just finished texting with her, asking her about her weekend and her day. it was nice. ultimately, i must know: is this leading to a dead-end? do i have to slowly win her trust and comfort over a period of time? is patience key here? or is she stringing me along half-heartedly? if i truly knew what she wanted, and if what she wanted wasn't a relationship with me, i'd cut her away without a thought. But the catch is that you can't know.

in the beginning i told her that I liked her (a mistake?) and that I wanted to get to know her, and asked her if this was all right. she told me she was okay with this, and that i seemed like a nice guy.


goodnight.