John Lennon--'Be My Baby'

A few thoughts

Why do I let stupid things bother me? I've been in a gloomy, irritated mood for the past few days because I'm concerned I may not be able to transfer to a university next fall, solely because I'm slacking off in the math class I'm in right now. If I don't pass this class, I'll have to retake it this fall. The deadline for applications is in November, so I won't be able to take the other, actual math class that counts towards college credit until winter at the earliest. What happens if I turn in an application and I haven't passed the class I need is certainly a mystery to me. But it's been biting me with worry for the past few days, hence the misery.

Sure, grades and school are important things because education cures ignorance--mostly--and can improve one's life dramatically in the course of a lifetime, although many people would say school is solely important because of the degree and the job opportunities it presents, which is also very important, but I don't like myself when I'm wholly concerned with getting good grades and going to a reputable school. In that state, I'm constantly nervous, always overworked by stress, and in an unhappy mood because drowning myself to school is not something I particularly enjoy doing. If I'm passionate about the subject, I'll strive to achieve greatness and will enjoy the work; but for the other classes in the other subjects I'm not passionate about, I get bored. Granted, I do have a tendency to not devote my full attention to whatever it is I'm doing, and sure, I may have a short-attention span lasting a little less than a minute and a half, but that's not the issue here. What my true question is this: how can I began to compromise my--what some may call reckless--tendency to coast through school, in an effort to become slightly more serious about my education--what some may call a more adult approach to school. And this is something I'll have to think about for a while.

But, I think I'm in a better place right now. I was in a crabby mood all day, short-tempered and irritated at the slightest thing. But then my whole family went outside to work on the yard, and my stupid burdens began to melt, just a little. I think it's because it's nearly impossible to be unhappy when one is free to enjoy the magnificence of nature. Nature, you stinkin' rock. Seriously. Who else but you can alter the entire world? Heck, you ARE the world! How cool is that? Haha. I've already made a note to myself to get outside more. Oh, and I'm also going to get serious about my writing. It's impossible for me to become a great writer if I don't practice my craft everyday. So from now on I'll be outside more, and I'll be writing more--probably at the same time too!

Lonely Nighttime Reflections

I've been feeling so lonely lately--again. I don't know what to do about it either. I often think having a girlfriend would turn my life around, make me happier, improve everything. That's not all true though. This is a problem only I can solve. All these hindrances--apathy, laziness, a lack of confidence--are my problems. Great Scott! I've got quite a bit of self-improvement ahead of me. I've got to turn my life around, and I've got to do it no matter what!

Needful Reflections

I've been in a contemplative mood today. I'm considering what it means to appreciate my life. I've also been somewhat gloomy thinking about the kind of person I am versus the kind of person I want to become. It's been a quiet day.

Jerry Lee Lewis - Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On (1957)

Simply put,

I really like this song. Also, sometimes I forget what I love. For instance, I love apples, but I'm not always thinking, "Boy, I love apples. Yup, apples are great. Apples, apples, apples." Haha. I guess it's impossible to always appreciate something, even when we really love it.


Michael Cera and Ellen Page--'Anyone Else But You'

Sleeping

Yesterday I slept for 17 hours and it felt amazing. Now I'm off to play catch-up with my math homework. It should take me around 16 hours to finish. Gah! :)

The Ramones--'Needles & Pins'

Recalling

This is another flashback post. This time the journal entry goes all the way back to December 2, 2009. Once you're done trying to remember what the heck was going on and what kind of civilization we lived in back then, consider I was a college freshmen at the time of writing. Also, I'd like to point out that I've changed a great deal since then--I've learned to love myself. Also, I grew half an inch. Haha. No, that's not true; but the whole loving myself thing is for sure! I'm a calmer, comfortable person now--at least I try hard to be. And trying counts for something, I think. I never thought college would change me so much, but I guess that's a part of growing up. Mark my words though: I solemnly swear to retain my childish sense of amazement as I grow old.


------

Originally written December 2, 2009. Posted with minor alterations.

12-02-2009

I was in public speaking class today, when a pretty girl named Grace touched my shoulder and laid her land on it enough for me to glace back and give her a reassuring smile. That touch, the warmth from her small hand, the sense of company and of not being alone, was so foreign to me that I was very startled when I first felt her hand on my shoulder. But that touch revived feelings inside my body that I had forgotten I was capable of. At the same time, I was warm and full and felt peaceful, as if something inside me had quieted. She's a beautiful girl, but it's not solely because of her hair or smile or breasts; it's because she connected with me on a level far from intellectual. It was a primal level, one I rarely feel, and I sincerely wish that was not so.

Why do they laugh without me, exclude and push me? Why do I feel so alone inside of my body?
No.
It is not true they push you away; you push them.
It is not true they exclude you; you exclude them.
No.
It is not true they laugh without you; you frown at them.
No.
It is not true they're happy without you; you're unhappy without them.

This failing facade of apathy hides nothing. My true feelings are always just below my despondent surface.

I wait for them to come. I wait for them to connect with me as I am--cheerless, mean, arrogant. I wait for them, but they never come. They never see past my exterior no matter how much I want them to. I want to be pried open like a box and show what's inside me to another human being. I want to know my innards are just like everyone else's. I want to be part of something that has joy and warmth. I want the bridge to be built, the call to be answered: I'm desperate for release, but no one's willing. They see my condition and condemn me for my fears and short comings.

Instead of the sweet, the bitter came; instead of the warm, I get the cold. When I wish for humility, an arrogant mind teaches me more hate.

Is the journey long from my island to theirs? How long will I have to swim--when I'm already inept--until I hear lifting music and see glowing lights living warmly in happy homes.

Will I even be welcomed?

Who am I to argue if they so choose to exile me back to my island, where I will die as I have lived: alone, abandoned, and empty. What do they expect of me, and more importantly, what do I truly expect from them?

But wait. Right now it's come to me why I am so far removed. They do not condemn me nearly as much as I condemn myself. They respond to me as I respond to myself: with distance, uncertainty, and contempt. As they glance at me, I feel something is amiss.

What can I do but continue on?

Change my attitude. Change my self-loathing into self-respect. Remove my thin, pathetic coverings and expose the human me.


------


That's where it ends.

When I read this entry over and over, I feel so sorry for the person writing it. I know exactly what is going through his head, every fear and every erroneous train of thought, because it was me. Will people notice this or thought flaw? Why do they talk to easily to each other when I struggle to find words in similar situations? Am I good enough for anyone to actually like my personality?

Boy, oh boy, tough questions! But not impossible to answer. It was through learning to appreciate my life and improving my self-respect that I righted my silly wrongs. Self-respect is truly a fickle thing; yet it's possible through deep introspection and lots of love. Once I learned to love myself was I capable of appreciating and loving others.

And yet, I've got a long way to go. After all, I'm only 19! Haha! I've got a whole fresh life waiting to be lived happily. :)

But here's another question: How? How does one learn to love him or herself?

I'm sorry, but I don't know how to answer that question. It's possible that every psychological human problem is intrinsically the same--not feeling loved, not feeling safe, etc. But heck if I don't believe in a cure-all remedy that's right for everyone. On the other hand, I've always felt a sincere hug, kind words, and undivided attention are good ways to help people through emotional problems. I know these seem like small trinkets of consolation, but I think they could be enough. After all, the universe, as big as it is, is made up of smaller units.

Whew, too much heavy stuff! Haha. Here's a nice little video for y'all. G'night. BAM-BAMBAMBAMBAM-BAM!

Insomnia Again

What's your favorite time of day? Is it 3 or 4 pm? Do you prefer dawn or mid morning; do you like the afternoon or midnight? Is it those few early hours of the morning--1 or 2--when the world around you sleeps, or is it when it's just getting up--5, 6, 7, or 8 am?

My favorite part of the day--at least in summer--is from 7 to around 8. This is the hour or so right before sunset. I suppose this would be considered a twilight hour, but I'm not tempted to use that word on account of it's popular association with sickly and sweaty heart-throbs, although--confession--I have read all four books. I still prefer Harry Potter.

This special hour is really the day's afterglow; it's the period when the sun is dipping below the horizon, but night hasn't yet fallen over the sky. It's the time when work is over and it feels like the earth is getting ready to rest with you.

Reasons why dusk is my favorite time of day:
1.) It's cool during this time of day; actually, it's usually cool. There are always exceptions. But normally the air starts to cool down at this time, just enough so you can wear a t-shirt and a light jacket comfortably. This environment is perfect for quiet meditation or enjoyment of nature, which leads me to my second point.

2.) The busy-body noise of the daytime work begins to quiet down, as every living being who had spent it's energy during the day is preparing itself for rest. Take a deep breath of cool air as you examine the streaking clouds and setting sun above you--I can think of few greater pleasures.

3.) Okay, this one's a bit lame compared to the others, but the reduction of traffic is enough for me to enjoy this time of day, though I'm sure many frustrated drivers out there would place this one at number one. Haha. I live in a heavily-trafficked area, having to constantly bear fleets of cars surrounding me. It's nice to drive without other people around me. Maybe this is the recluse, loner side of me talking--which is most of me--but there's a lot less stress on me when I'm the only car on the road.

That's it for now. If I think of more I'll be sure to mention them later. Then again, probably not. Haha.

Also, here's an awesome song. I dance when I hear it. Please forgive then ignore the brief nakedness of men in underwear.

Tijuana Panthers -- 'Creature'

I Love Lucy

I love 'I Love Lucy'. I remember watching dozens of episodes when I was younger. It's nearly always entertaining. Examining it from a writer's viewpoint, I just can't believe how fresh and well-written the jokes can be.

An interesting question

My professor posed an interesting question today. He asked us what a guy falling 1000 feet off a cliff would be thinking before he hit the ground. Would he be thinking, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"? Would he be swearing nonstop? Would he be thinking, "Damn, I wish that rope would have held," or maybe, "I wish I would have brought a more experienced rock climbing partner." Would his final thoughts be, "I wish I spent more time at the office." Haha. Probably not.

This got me wondering what my final thoughts would be in that situation. More than anything, I think I'd feel a great sense of regret and loss over things I could have or should have done, but because I'm a very shy, very timid person, I never strove to accomplish. Images of my future would flash wildly in my head. I'd picture the faces of girls I wanted to be with and feel regret. I'd imagine children I could have had, and places I could have gone--Japan, anyone? In those few precious moments, I'd feel a lifetime of disappointment and loss. The words running through my head? "No, no, no, no..."

Then, after all that nonsense and madness, I'd feel calm and happy. I'll be thinking--if I haven't the ground yet, haha--that I had a good life. My final thoughts before I hit the ground would be, "Yup. I'm about to die." And then I'd land. Kind of sad, sure, but I'd go out relaxed and with a collected head.

What would your final thoughts be?

What the heck was I writing?

I was skimming through my journal, looking for something interesting or amusing to post, when I stumbled across this little gem of literature dating to just under two years ago. There's no other explanation or introduction I can give, except to say I was just about to start twelfth grade when I wrote it, so please forgive my humble attempts at writing.


From August 20, 2008, with some minor revisions:

The doctor didn't look up when he walked in.

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Art Chimanski. So what seems to be the matter today, Mr. Unwyze?"
"Doc, can't you see that my entire body is square!"

The doctor gave me a once-over.

"Hmm..." softly hummed. "Well, I don't know what I can do for you. I'm the kind of doctor one goes to if there was something wrong with them, and besides having the body of a brownie, I'm not sure there's anything wrong with you."

I glared at him with sugary contempt.

"Perhaps if you told me what occurred before and after your current predicament, hm Mr. Unwyze?"

"Okay, sure doc," I said, ready to punch my breezy listener in the jugular. "So I think it began when I was in school and my math teacher told my class that we had a very important test the next day."

"I see," the doctor gently mused.
"Yeah. And so, I was real stressed because I wanted to do good, and it was on a lot of stuff that we didn't cover, like Greek linear fractions defined by zero, or something. I began studying as soon as I got home until I went to sleep; about 15 hours."

"I see," Chimanski added, mulling over either my story or last night's dinner in his brain. "So you were forced to learn large amounts of knowledge in a short period of time, inevitably due to your teacher's method of over-stimulation of his or her pupils. Quite a clear example of the quick and impersonal environment we"


That's where I stopped.It's a bit strange to go back and read my old stuff. It's even stranger to not remember having ever wrote it. But I like it nevertheless. Maybe I'll fine some more stray bits of gold in my journal I can post.

Harry Potter Alliance and decreasing world suck

John Green of vlogbrothers on YouTube talking about a nerdfighter named Esther and the HP Alliance. Click the video to find the links! :)


DFTBA!