some thoughts do more harm than good

I work all day and think of you. I wonder what to say. I wonder what to do.

Each day is a repetition of the week before, and nothing in life progresses. I have nothing to look forward to.

I think about this situation, and I wonder at my own stupidity. I realize that I've gone about this all wrong, and that I've changed everything. Maybe it's for the best.

There are unrelenting and tireless thoughts about us pulling inside my head.

You've said previously that you think about me a lot. You think about me - why? Why? Am I even real to you, or am I this other voice in your head that keeps you company. Will I always be Tom: a personality only in words, safely tucked away when you turn off your computer?

What do you want from me? Do you want me to be your friend Tom? Do you want me to be that guy you know on the internet? Do you want me to be here for you, on the internet, during heartbreaks and depression and talk to you about your day, and make silly comments about boys and find things you say funny? Do you want me to never leave this website?

I can't help myself: I create wishes and hopes whenever I talk with you. When you unknowingly say something approaching the truth of your feelings, it hurts.

One of my main worries is hurting you by leaving. You said you'd miss me.

If I leave, I don't want this to seem like I'm leaving forever, or abandoning what we have. I don't want this to seem like I never cared for you and that's why I'm going. The exact reason I don't want to stick around is because I care about you more than you care about me, and that's not healthy for either of us.

I want so much for us to be together. I want to be with you, and care for you, and to hold you and kiss you at night. I want to tell you everything is all right. I want to laugh at your jokes. I want to be seen with you. I want to go places with you.

I don't expect anything from you. Selfishly, I did expect you to return my feelings. Since you made clear you don't, I have no choices left.

I don't feel like we can go on as if nothing is wrong.

I constantly think of the future. I wonder how long until one of us leaves. I wonder when you'll find a good Christian man to marry. I wonder how soon you'll fall in love and marry and have kids. Soon, I think.

I can't take watching it unfold.

I wanted you to want me to fly to Chicago to see you. I know that's wrong and dumb. I can't help how I feel.

I've realized that some words are better left unsaid, as too much honesty may cause more harm than good. I feel that you want me to remain here because you want a friend, someone who won't hurt you - and you're willing to let my feelings for you slide out of your mind.

You know how I feel about you. I know you don't feel the same about me, nor do I have reason to believe you ever will. You said you'd miss me if I left. You said there's no point blogging because I'm the only one who consistently reads your blog. You wanted me to stay because of the things you wanted, and didn't think about the things I wanted - or do want.

I want to not chase a girl who won't love me back. I want to find someone who will want me. I want to find places where I am wanted. I've had too many wasted years chasing lost loves in middle and high school. I don't want to stick around because you want me to. I'm not sure if my feelings are love or like, but  they're something more than this.

We are anonymous strangers on the internet - totally disembodied, harmlessly convenient, and at any moment, a click away from disappearing.