Okay With Life

When my life hits dull periods, I wonder if that's because life is dull a lot of the time, or because my life is dull a lot of the time.

Didn't go paintballing Saturday because my uncle couldn't make it. Wasn't too upset about it.

I hung out with my friend from San Francisco on Friday. We went to the A - you know, that hiking trail with the cross. That was pretty fun. We talked about music a lot, since he's into Do It Yourself music, and what might be considered the modern punk scene in LA and SF. He makes a lot of music, records it himself, makes tapes himself, then distributes and promotes himself. So we talked about that for most of the time.

Then we went to his house to play D&D. He seemed really eager to play, but what ended up happening was that no one really paid attention to the game, and even ignored him sometimes.

People were going to sleep over his house because his family was out of town. I couldn't - or rather I didn't really want to - mainly because I had to work with my dad the next morning. (I've never slept over a friend's house before, and I've never had a sleepover at my house before. My mom would never let me when I was younger - not that I had many invitations from friends in elementary school. Maybe some from middle school.)

I told him I had written some songs while he was away, and was hoping he could take a look at them. I didn't want to sing or play them, because I can't sing or play an instrument with any finesse. However, I thought it'd be cool if they were played. I brought them over in a yellow notepad. At the beginning of the night, I handed the notepad over to him, and he put it in the kitchen. As I was leaving, I didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him (or anyone, really; they're kind of more personal than I'm comfortable with in real life), so I picked up the notebook and told him we'd look over them later. His face was like a battered puppy's when I said that. "But I was going to read them," he said quietly. He'd just gotten high, too. His eyes were wet, and his face was soft. "We'll go over it some other day," I said. He didn't respond. Then he said, "Okay." I left soon afterwards.

- - - - - - - - -

I have about a month until school starts. How am I going to fill that time?

I find myself bored more often than lonely these days. I wish I had something to do. Something fun, and exciting, and that made me feel productive. I have no idea what that is. It's just something I wish.

I think life is boring most of the time. Not just because I'm out of school; not just because I don't have a job. I think we get into these routines when we're older, and we stick to them for years. We resist change because we don't have the energy to do something different. We're not young 20-somethings anymore; we're older people, with a mortgage and three kids, and a couple of cars and dogs. How can we change what we're doing? We could wreck our entire life that way.

Marriage seems like really hard work.

I'm not ready for marriage. I don't know when I will be. Is it like a sudden change in a man? Does he feel the desperate need to start a family? Does he decide over the course of a serious relationship? How do women decide when to get married? Women are under more pressure to marry younger than men, I think. That is, if they want kids. I don't envy women for having kids. It seems like the roughest nine months of your life - not to mention the years of child-raising that follows. Marriage and kids is too real for me right now. It's too overwhelming, too permanent a lifestyle, which is why I'm not ready. It seems that once you have kids and get married - that's it, your life is set.

And then things like divorce can mess everything up.

Once this day is over, it's one day closer to death. I'm not in a rush or anything, though. I just want to find something good in my life - something to hold on to.

The Things I dream about:
I dream about a healthy, loving marriage.
I dream about a high-paying career
I dream about a home - a lovely house in a quiet place
I dream about visiting cities - NY, SF, Chicago, Seattle, London, Paris - with my wife.
I dream about nights at home - my own home
I dream about when I'll meet my wife - will she be in one of my classes, a friend of a friend? Will I know right away? What will she look like?
I dream about the unerring self-assurance middle-age brings.
I dream about the future course of my life.
I dream about my death, and will I have resigned myself at it's moment? Will I be okay with my life to release it?
I dream about changing lives with writing. I dream about creating literature like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Salinger.
I dream about a quiet, prosperous life.


If I had to describe how I felt right now, I'd say I felt: Okay with life.