july 3 2013

What's been going on

I didn't have internet this afternoon. my parents are remodeling parts of the house--mainly the kitchen--and the builders had to enter my brother's room and shut off power to the wireless router.

I really don't feel like finishing my post about the wedding. I will soon.

Yes.

I went over to my friends house yesterday to play the board game Settlers of Catan. We were supposed to start at 3:30; however, I was the only one who showed up on time. Eventually we started around 4 pm and ended around 8 pm. Luckily we were sitting in his air conditioned living room the entire time. We drank mimosas, which are made of champagne and a fruit drink like orange juice, in mismatched glass cups. We used shitty, super sweet supermarket orange juice concentrate; the champagne was all right for being a $7 bottle. I popped a champagne cork for the first time in my life. Here's the picture:

My friend's patio.

Unfortunately, when I popped the cork and it went shooting off, i didn't realize i was pointing it at my friend's RV, where his older brother and sister-in-law live. It ricocheted off the back of the trailer and flew into the neighbors yard. it left a small hole in the paneling of the trailer a couple of inches across. whoops. sorry. it was an accident!

we didn't tell them.

What's done is done. Oh, did I forgot to say that i won the game of settlers of catan yesterday? Well, I won.

I'm blue.

The Procession

I've been copying bits of readings that i like in a small notebook. today was a few passages from a poem by Walt Whitman called "I Sing the Body Electric." My second motive is to show and record a sample of my handwriting.

My crappy, crappy handwriting.

"(All is a procession,

 The universe is a procession with measured and  perfect motion.)

Do you know so much yourself that you call the meanest ignorant?

Do you suppose you have a right to a good sight, and he or she has no right to a sight?

Do you think matter has cohered together from its diffuse float, and the soil is on the surface, and water runs and vegetation sprouts,

For you only, and not for him and her?"

about myself--again

Something that came into my head today is the differences between my in-person personality and my written personality. How much of myself do I portray in writing, how well do i portray it, and does it accurately reflect who i am in real life? I could be a really foul-mouthed, angry person, but when i write i can choose to clean up my words and present a different persona. How do you know? I don't think you can know who I am by my writing. everything i write is filtered by what i want to reveal; in other words, what you know of me is only what i want you to know about me. this scares me because then there's a limit to how close you can become with someone. there's a limit to online relationships--whether acquaintance, friend, or more--because people set the limits. now i'm thinking, does this also apply to in-person relationships as well? what if i want to reveal who i think i really am through the internet in written words, but EVEN I don't know who i am? what if, despite trying my best, i can't accurately channel myself because i lack the writing skill? what if the reader doesn't interpret my words the way i want them to, and forms a fundamentally different image of me in their head than i wanted? what if i can't connect with people?

Here's something I realized about myself today: The reason I want to write is so I can connect with people on my terms.

a million times over, i want someone to connect with intellectually and emotionally first, and then physically. i have to be patient.

friends

today was my friend's surprise birthday dinner. it was at 6 in the evening at a restaurant. his girlfriend set it up with other people and the invite trickled down to me. i didn't go. the reason being that i didn't care to go. honestly, i feel sick of some of the people i hang out with. you know how they say that you're supposed to pick your friends wisely? i think i want to do that. that guy and i aren't even close friends. here's an example of what i mean: a few weeks ago i was planning on going up to the A, the hiking trail. I sent everyone a text inviting them to come. this guy text me back asking if anyone else was going. at that point he was the only one who replied, so i told him i didn't know. a few minutes later he texted me that he couldn't make it. okay, not a big deal; i told him it was all right. anyway, some of my other friends replied that they were going, so we agreed to meet at so and so time. anyway, when i got there, i saw these people waiting at the start of the trail, but amongst the group i also see that guy who said he couldn't go! here's what ( i think ) happened: he texted me saying he couldn't go; he texted the other friends, or they texted him, about going; he knew these other people were going, so he decided to go too. what he didn't want was the possibility of going with only me. would a close friend mind this?

my friends forgot my birthday this year. every one of them. no calls, no presents, not even a text. that day i realized that my family is far more important than my friends--and always will be.

(my birthday is in march, by the way. (i actually thought i was over this pain.))

is it my fault as well? do i not do enough for them? is this an endless cycle of blame, cynicism, distancing, and making-up?

god, i'm a shitty friend. that's why i have shitty friends.

10:46 PM