serious thoughts

a few days ago, one of my mom's birds flew away. the guy who is remodeling the kitchen was outside, and he accidentally knocked over the cage. the little doors slid open and the birds flew away. he managed to re-capture one of them, but the other one, named Daisy, flew away. she was a yellow parakeet.

i wonder if that's a bad thing. i sometimes look at those birds and pity them. what's it like to live in a cage? aren't their muscle hurting from not even being able to stretch their wings? poor things: locked up every second of their life

it makes me think of Maya Angelou's autobiography/poem I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. i still don't know exactly why the caged bird sings. to remind itself of freedom, i guess.

i'm reading two books right now: The Crucible, by Arthur Miller; and Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville. The first is for fun; the second is to challenge myself.

i've told you before i work with my dad gardening. if you've ever seen those mexican guys in a beat-up pick-up truck with a whole bunch of tools haphazardly strapped to the back, that's us. i've been helping him a lot recently. i go about three days a week - wed, thurs, sat - all day basically, from 7 or 8 am to around 7 or 8 at night - that's including travel time and traffic and such.

i mow the lawns. it's super loud, deafening almost. i work out in the sun. sometimes sweat drips down my eyelids into my eyes, and I constantly wipe it off with my shirt. at the end of the day, there's always a layer of dirt and grass on my arms and face. it's tiring and boring, but it's work.

this morning i was working with my dad at some residential house in los angeles. i heard soft piano music coming from the neighbors house. it sounded  slow and deliberate, like a kid just learning how to play, but you could tell it was a song, and it sounded nice. my dad heard it, too, because as he was getting ready to turn-on the weed-whacker, he said, "It's soothing, isn't it?" I was ready to start mowing the lawn. I said, "Yeah . . ." Then I said, sadly: "It's too bad. . . " and I started the mower.

They were still playing after we stopped, in case you were wondering.

I want to show you LA, because i know you said you wanted more pictures and videos, but i seriously don't even know where or what to film.

i was in LA today when i saw this store. i can't remember what it sold, maybe it was a cleaners or something. it's windows were covered in brown paper - the same as a paper bag. it was neatly held together with blue masking tape. all three windows facing the street were covered, and written in big, bold letters on the paper were the words 'BLACK OWNED.'

i heard there were small riots the other day in Los Angeles. does this explain it? at first i laughed at the written words BLACK OWNED because it seemed like a ridiculous thing to do. but the more i thought about it, the sadder the situation seemed to me. jesus, would people really loot and steal from neighborhood stores indiscriminately during a protest-turned-riot? the answer is yes. would the words BLACK OWNED save that store from angry looters? who knows.

I don't know what is the purpose of life. I don't believe in God, so i can't say it's to glorify Him. I guess it's to enjoy it while you can without hurting other people. it's to get the most out of - physically, emotionally, spiritually (yeah, i kinda believe in the concept of spirituality - hey, there's more than one way to feel spiritual, you know). i guess it's to start a family - a wife and kids - and raise your kids to be good people, and have fun, and work hard to be successful, and do something that makes you feel like you matter while sharing it with someone you want to spend your life with.

marriage, i think, is more about commitment than it is about love. you say, 'okay, we're going to commit to each other - we're going to choose to stay faithful to one another the rest of our lives,' and you go from there. it's a contract exactly like a business contract: both parties are obligated to fulfill their part of the contract. it has to be equal, too; each person puts into the marriage an equal amount of effort, time, and energy. otherwise, you can get bitter or grow resentful, and that's serious trouble.

people who marry solely for love are stupid.

i don't feel like we need God in our lives to be happy. we need something more than ourselves. it doesn't have to be God.

what else is there? love, family, the greater good. you know, stuff like that.

being a christian doesn't make someone a good person. being an atheist (or some other religion) doesn't make someone a bad person. it's your actions that determine your morality.

physical bodies are dumb. they're just masks. sexual desire is deceitful and dangerous. in a relationship, there has to be physical attraction, but there has to be more. there has to be.

i don't know how i feel about abortion. on one hand, it's basically a life. on the other, who am i to say what a person can or cannot do with their own bodies? this might sound cruel, or evil, or horrifying, but it's an honest question: do we really need more people being born to mess up the earth? i'm not suggesting we allow abortion of fully-developed babies; i think the cut-off point is around 20-something weeks, when the embryo is beginning to take the form of a baby. why do we want so desperately to prevent aborting these lives, when there's so many other people already out of the womb who suffer so much? why don't we care about those people first? i've always thought the argument of, 'well, that unborn child could be the next einstein, or mozart!', is really, really dumb. yeah, or it could be a thief, or an asshole, or someone who really hurts other people. you don't know, you can't know.

i think my conclusion for now is this: legally, it should be allowed; morally, it hurts.

okay, tough question: say i get a girl i meet at some party pregnant. ten weeks pregnant, she tells me she wants an abortion, but asks my opinion. what do i say? if she has the baby, my life changes drastically forever. at the same time, it's my own fault, and i should own up to the mistake (remember: this hasn't actually happened). if she wants an abortion, what could i say? she's the one carrying the baby, not me. i couldn't stop her, nor would i try to, if i'm going to be honest. do you think that makes me a child murderer? at ten weeks, the embryo - or baby - has potential for life, but can't survive on it's own. i suppose if you believe in souls, you may believe that the soul is missing a chance at life.

it's not a white or black issue, nothing ever is. it's tough for me to figure out.

this has always bugged me about the concept of God. if He created everything, then why does the Devil exist. they say the Devil used to be an archangel, but rebelled against God, and was sent to Hell. didn't God know the Devil was going to rebel when he made him? if so, why make him? do we really need good and evil to co-exist? do we really need to choose good? God made man in His imagine, and man was without sin and good and stuff. then the Devil comes along, and tricks man. God, of course, knew this was going to happen. why did God let this happen? because God wants man to choose him over evil. why? because God made us in his own image. why? why did God create man? to glorify him. why? because God is perfect and deserves glorification? because he wants glorification? i don't know. God created evil - He created everything. why, if He's all-good, did he create evil? just make everyone happy.

another thing i can't wrap my head around: how has God always been? it just doesn't make sense to me. obviously, i know, something must have happened for us to be here. it could be a million, trillion different things, but you're saying it's God who did it? how do you know? how do you know? furthermore, how did God come to exist? you could say, well, He always existed because He's an eternal being. how? how is He an eternal being?

i guess i don't have faith, nor do i want to put my faith into these claims. they don't make sense to me.

i was raised catholic. up until 14 or 15 i was without doubts - mostly, i guess, because i never thought about it: i wasn't religious. most of the masses my parents took me to where in spanish - which i've told you before i don't speak fluently - so i wouldn't even listen. i just followed everyone else: stand, sit, stand, kneel, stand, pray, sit, stand, leave.

yeah, catholic services kinda suck.

as a teenager, i used to imagine what my life would be like if my mom or dad died. i liked the feeling of everyone feeling sorry for me, and for having an excuse to be sad.

my friend's older sister is having a birthday party this saturday. i have no idea what to expect. i don't know if i'll drink or not. i don't know if i'll get drunk or not.

sometimes i don't know how to feel about my life.

my real name is Eric.