May 9 2013

I don't like it when people call me "boss." "Hey, boss, what do you need?" "Hey, boss, what can I do for you?" It always feels condescending.

My friend moved to San Francisco two years ago. Now he's coming back. He was a really close friend of mine. But while he was up there, I hardly ever spoke to him. A few texts every now and then, and maybe two phone calls that I can remember.

No one is really close to me. I mean that I don't put myself out there too much. I play everything close to the chest. I'm not a very good friend. I'm trying to change, but something inside me resists the idea. I've always thought the one person I'd be closest to would be my wife, and even though I still want that to be true, I'm starting to realize that my friendships suffer because of this view. No person is an island unto themselves, said someone famous once. (I forgot who; I won't bother to look it up.) I've always felt like I'm waiting for something good to happen. I'm waiting for my 'real' life to happen, know what I mean? I'm waiting for my adult life; I'm waiting for my happier life. For example, during high school I would always think about college. i would say, yeah, my life sucks right now, but when I get to college everything's going to be better and I'll be happier. And now that I'm college, I'm always thinking, yeah, when i graduate and get a real job I'll have all this money and a place to myself and I'll start to live the life I want to live; that's when i'll be happy. Right now, I'm waiting for my real friends, my real problems, and my real future. But that's kind of wrong, isn't it? It's kind of stupid. The life I live now is my real life. The friends I have now are my real friends. And if I don't nurture my relationships, they're going to tear away from me. But I still want to be closest to my wife--if I ever even get a date.

I don't smoke weed. But i've been thinking about it a lot. I've always seen it as something bad, something wrong. But why is that? Because my parents told me it was wrong. But they tell me things are wrong all the time that I don't agree are wrong. Like gay marriage. My dad doesn't agree with it; I do. (That's a really simplified version of what my dad believes, to be fair. I think he doesn't mind gay people, but in his traditional mind, he believes the term marriage should only mean between a man and a woman. In a way I agree, insofar that the term marriage be used by churches however the fuck they want to use it, but that the state and federal government have an obligation to offer the same rights and status to a same-sex couple that they offer to a heterosexual couple. The churches can decide not to marry people because it's their belief system, and you have a choice to opt-in or opt-out. But the government should not discriminate between same-sex or different-sex or even (somehow) no-sex unions. Rant over.) So it's not really because of my parents. Maybe because it's against the law. But now some states, like Colorado, and to a small extent Washington, have made it legal, i.e., something you won't get arrested for doing. And I think if I ever did go to Colorado (I'm not actually planning on going), I wouldn't mind trying it. Know what I mean? It seems pretty harmless, and even fun. At the same time, however, it feels really personal. It feels like an intimate decision. That's why if I ever do it, I want to do it with my girlfriend/wife--even though she probably won't want to do it. Haha.

I'm so fucking thoughtless sometimes. I'm just a regular person trying to get by. I'm not good or bad. I'm just me. Not very many people are good or bad people. Most of us are kind of good, kind of bad, and everyday we teeter between one or the other. But we keep trying to do good, don't we? And that's what makes it all right. That's what keeps us from killing one another. Most of the time.

P.S. I want to change the name of my blog, but to what? Suggestions are welcome and appreciated. Please apply to your right.
(just kidding.)