may 15 2013

I want to be in a refelctive mood right now. But I don't feel like it.

I had class today, but I didn't go. I had an essay due. I was supposed to go to two classes, and turn in one essay. I haven't been to school in a week and a half. I only go Mondays and Wednesdays, the same two classes each day--with the same professor, no less. I'm not kidding. I had four classes, but I dropped two. I was so behind I couldn't make it up. One of them was a once-a-week night class. I got sick about a month in and missed two class sessions. When I came back we had an in-class essay about two books I hadn't read; the reading schedule was literally a book a week. I even walked into class late, more late than I would have been because the class met in the computer lab, which I had a hard time finding. It was embarassing walking in, setting my things down in front of a computer, and walking to the front to pick up the hand-out. I started reading the handout and realized it was about those two books I mentioned earlier. I was like, shit. One was the play "A Raisin In The Sun;" I forget what the other one is--As I Lay Dying by Faulkner, probably. Anyway, I thought that if I had "Raisin In the Sun" with me I maybe--maybe--could have winged it by reading the entire thing. The class was three hours, minus twenty minutes because I walked in late. I thought that if I had it with me, I possibly could have read it and wrote an essay on it. It was a prompt for each book, one essay we had to write. I didn't have the book, unfortunately. I bought it two weeks before because I knew we were going to read it, I thought about reading it while I was sick but decided against it because I didn't know which week we'd be reading it, and I even thought about bringing it to class that night on the chance we would talk about it the week I returned. But everything collapsed at once when I came back and we had a fucking essay. So I dropped the class a week later. Yeah, that summarizes my work ethic as a student pretty well. I wish I cared about dropping that class.

What's it like to be drunk? Do you lose yourself, or are you more outgoing? I don't know because I've never been drunk. never even been buzzed. I probably will be once my friend from San Francisco comes back next month. We're having a welcome home party for him. I told my friends that I want to get pretty drunk. Usually I don't drink too much at get-togethers because I'm always driving home. I do not want to ever drive drunk. ever. i told everyone that i'm not going to be driving the night of the welcome home party; i'm probably going to be spending the night at my other friends house, or may even just get a ride home, although i'll be in no condition to wake up early the next morning. anyway. . . the reason this is floating around in my head is because i have this fantasy in my head of making-out with my other friends older sister at the welcome home party. we're both drunk, and flirty really hard with each other all night. one thing leads to another and then i'm in her room making-out with her. i don't really want to get into too much detail, but it's pretty simple male-fantasy type stuff. i guess. the thing is, is that she has shown zero signs of attraction to me, and to be honest, I'm not particularly attracted to her. it's lust that drives me and keeps these fantasies in my head. they're implanted there and keep growing. they bother me a lot, actually. they're always in the back of my mind, pushing expecations into my mind, and i get slightly disappointed when one of these expectations doesn't come true. i've said before that i think I'm too sex-crazed for my own good, and i think it's getting worse. the honest, open, and slightly disgusting truth (warning: gross): I just want to fuck. i want that contact and pleasure. it's about pleasure, really. i'm all about pleasure lately. i avoid working hard in school because i'd rather do something fun. i have no willpower to confront my fears. I seek pleasure and live inside my room where nothing hurts me.

i'd like a loving girlfriend. i'd like a girl whom i think is pretty. i'd like a fun girl to hang out with.

was this post reflective? i think so. nothing is solved though. that's the problem.

oh, i forgot about the worst part after i realized i was not able to write that essay in that once-a-week class. after i realized i couldn't possibly write an essay on two books i neither read nor had with me, i decided not to waste my time sitting in the classroom while everyone else typed away. so i gathered my things, gathered as much courage as i could, and walked up to the professor standing in front of the room. very quietly, i said, "sorry, but I haven't read the books"--holding out the handout to him. he took the paper and said, "that's going to make things difficult, isn't?" I kind of laughed, said yeah, and then added, "so, i'm just going to go," nodding towards the door and pointing my finger at it like a hitchhiker. he nodded understandably, his arms crossed, and said, "alright, see ya." then, before I left, I asked him for the handout back, which he gave back to me, and as quick as I could i left. normally i don't care what people say when i'm not around, but i'm sure the other students in the class said something about me after i left. i was literally in (late) and out of class in less than five minutes. the professor probably made a joke after i left as well. who knows if they did or not. one thing is certain though: if i were another student sitting and typing in that class, and I saw someone do what I did, I would think they were a huge dickhead.