May 20 2013

warning: angst and disgusting self-pity and immaturity ahead. deeply personal reflection and grief. stupidity. insecurity. sadness.

just to vent

introduction:
I've realized I have low self-esteem.

Story about my day:
I wasn't sure if I was going to go to class today. I skipped my first class because I was ashamed; I was ashamed to face my professor because my efforts in both her classes have been abysmal. This is how I figured out I have low self-esteem. 'What's the worst that could happen?' I thought to myself. One, that she kicks me out of her classes for good. That would be bad, yeah, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about them. Second, she embarrasses me in front of the class, much like how I imagine that other professor probably did after I left because I didn't read the books. Yeah, that's bad, but fuck them. Like they're so perfect, you know? Third, she dislikes me and tells me so. Yeah. Whatever.

i did end up going to my second class. she seemed a little off-put when she saw me. poor woman. from what I've seen this semester, she's a really nice person, and it hurt me a little bit to not be doing well in her class.

lecture went as normal. then class ended and i spoke with her. in summary, i won't/can't pass her classes, but i'll still be attending them; i can still turn in my essay, but it'll be marked down for lateness. my heart was beating fast and hard; i could see my t-shirt moving up and down because my heart was beating really hard. my voice was shaky and i felt my throat closing up with anxiety. why can't i just fucking talk to people?

who cares about this? i don't even care. this sucks. i fucking suck.

i like the courses though. mythology. multicultural literature. that's why i'll still attend class.

story about buying books:
there was this girl at barnes&noble. i mean this young woman. normal, ordinary person. she was hovering around me a bit. don't know if it was intentional or not; for this story, it doesn't really matter. i thought i saw her give me a once-over--you know, look at someone from their face down to their body and then back up again. it felt like she seemed interested.

regardless, here's my point. even though i wanted to talk to her, i don't know how. i don't know how to connect with women. how would i have entered a conversation with her? how would i know if she would even want to talk to me? it's just this game that i suck at. I'm scared to play.

thoughts and such:
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I shouldn't be scared to return to class. I didn't feel able to live my life and deal with consequences. I still don't, to an extent, but today I overcame this fear a little more.
My own insecurities don't stem from beliefs about myself, but rather from a belief that everybody else is incredibly vain and judgmental. I don't trust people. I have low self-esteem.

Sometimes I don't care. Other times I care and I'm scared. Life is so freaking hard sometimes, you know? I'm trying to get better. These feelings of worthlessness and inferirotiy won't go away over night. You know, for all the working out, swmming, exercerising I've done the past year and a half, I still feel weak on the inside. I feel scared and tense; I feel nervous all the time by other people and new situations. I want to cry sometimes but I can't; I can't even properly feel sorry for myself. Most of the time I feel nothing. there's this urge inside me to do something that will better my life--like get a job, or work harder at school, or even get a girlfriend--but there's a block in my way. fear stops me. i'm scared all the time because i don't want to be alone, or thought of as inferior to other people. this is irrational; i know that i'm not so different from other people, and I know in the end we've all got our problems. this isn't a problem that can be cured logically though. i can't think my way out of it, i don't believe. so how do I help myself? how do i solve, overcome, conquer, and put away my fear? or do i succeed and thrive in spite of it? it's so hard, and I feel very weak and helpless. i don't feel good enough. i just don't.