may 29 2013

there was this event at my school today in front of the library. i have no idea who sponsored it, but there was an in-an-out truck serving hamburgers. loads of people were lined-up. i think they were giving them away, but i'm not sure. i walked past it on my way to the art and music area of the school. I don't have any classes in that section. i just like that area of campus because it's usually quiet. it's up some stairs so it's relatively isolated and there are fewer people around.

i don't know, sometimes i worry i'm going to be alone the rest of my life. i go out of my way to avoid crowds and social interaction; i prefer to sit alone rather than near a busy walkway.

during small group discussions in my multicultural lit. class i was supposed to be interacting with the three other people in my group, yet i just couldn't bear to. it wasn't that i disliked them. it almost feels like boredom; i'm uninterested in making small talk, smiling, laughing, asking questions, and listening to them.

boredom is becoming a reoccurring theme in my life. i don't have any friends at school, so i leave as soon as my class is over. i have a light school schedule so most of the time i'm sitting at home on my computer. swimming is becoming repetitive and i force myself to continue. lifting weights is still okay, but each week feels the same.

it feels pathetic to admit, but i'm afraid of getting a job because then i would have to meet people and put myself out there. my social anxiety is not more damaging than in this regard. my fears, i've noticed, hardly ever come true. when i overcome them i kick myself for not overcoming them sooner. cures don't work that way, though. anxiety is diminishing my life.

i'm trying to make this place. . . my blog, i guess, into more of a diary. i want to record my life more.

diary has always had a feminine connotation in my mind. girls have diaries, boys have journals. but they're not the same: diaries are for recording one's life; journals are for pasting stuff from glamor magazines. admittedly, that's just my opinion.

nostalgia is one of my favorite feelings in the world. it's saddening, but it feels good too. it feels powerful, i should say, and you get swept up in it easily like a really good story or movie or song.

when i was looking at old photos i took in 2006 on my long-forgotten flickr account, it made me miss my life back then, which is an unfortunate misdirection because i didn't like my life back then. when i say back then, i  mean my freshman year of high school.

when i look at those photos, i feel like i could have done anything with my life. there was hope, a boundless amount that i don't have anymore. that kind of hope is gone now. this is normal, as far as i can see. i haven't stopped hoping for good things, but i've stopped expecting them.

Themes covered in this post: isolation, social anxiety, boredom/disenchantment, importance of social communication, social skills,  purposefulness by means of employment, gender assumptions in language, nostalgia, hope, loss of hope with experience, angst, sadness, depression.