june 4 2013

it's 1:42 am. i feel lonely right now. and sick in my stomach. i want to cry; i want to feel sorry for myself. i have a headache. and i'm writing this because i don't want to feel that way.

making a living for yourself is a weird thing. everybody has to do something to get by. you have to work as a waiter, or be a teacher, or make homemade jewelry. everybody finds a  place for themselves where they live. i hope you know what i mean.

today i went to class. late. i'm constantly late.

haha! i just remembered something funny that happened to me today. oh, man, okay. i was walking from my car to class. on the way i walk past some tennis courts. there's a grassy hill overlooking the courts next to the walkway. so to get to the tennis courts from the walkway you would have to go down a grassy hill. i was walking to class, and on the grassy hill was a girl lying down. but the way she was lying down--facing towards the tennis courts, away from the walkway-- you could kind of see down her shirt and see her boobs popping out. it wasn't sexy or arousing, it was just really damn funny that she didn't even seem to care or notice. and what it made it ten times funnier was that as i was walking down the walkway towards my class, some guy was walking towards me from the opposite direction. anyway, as we were about to pass each other, i made eye contact with him in a sort of, 'hey, what's up' kind of way, really casual. he looked at me back, and as he did, i turned my head towards the girl with the revealing top laying next to the walkway on the grassy hill, in a, 'hey, check that out' kind of way. i just felt like i needed someone else to see and acknowledge the wackiness of the situation. i thought he didn't understand me, but right before we passed he turned his head and saw the girl with her boobs exposed. then he turned back at me, and for a second his face didn't change, so i thought he didn't see what i saw. but then his face spread into a grin, and i couldn't help but grin back at him and laugh. it was a 'i can't believe it; what the hell is she doing?' kind of smile, where something good but also something really weird was happening. then we passed each other and i went to class smiling.

on one hand, boobs; but on the other, what the hell was she thinking? i don't want you to get the idea that i was staring at this girls boobs for like 10 minutes straight with my mouth open and drooling like a hungry dog; this all happened as i was walking, and i only caught a glancing view of her boobs, which weren't really her boobs but the top of her cleavage, kind of. it was more funny than sexy. but man, i just loved it when that dude and i shared looks and smiles, as if we were both saying without speaking, 'what the fuck is going on?' i seriously laughed my way to class.

i wish you could have been there and see the whole thing. oh god, it made me smile so much. it's so much fun connecting with people without speaking, even if it's a stranger passing next to you.

i feel a lot better. thinking about that incident has cheered me up. i feel like i could be a lot happier, but for now i feel okay.

thank you for listening. thank you.