Trying to become a writer (Dec 16, 2019)

Before the new year, i'm reflecting.

i had not abandoned this blog, but i had forgotten the password for a while.

so much has gone on here. you can read it in the history. in the archives. my words, my thoughts, my ideas: my pining for ana; my nervousness about finishing college; my self-doubt about being a writer; my early-twenties lethargy.

i've wrestled with the question of whether or not i have depression. i think i'm afraid to know the answer. i'm afraid of a lot of things. for example, figuring out my medical insurance. isn't that silly? i'm afraid of getting better.

i'm going to pick up where i left off on here. just sparse, ungrammatical thoughts. experiences i'm exposed to. musings about my french toast and d&d and yu-gi-oh: the abridged series (wonderful, by the way).

poetry -- my go-to hobby, now turned into ambition, now become writing every day, every day hoping to be published one great big One Day. copper canyon press, i'm free to talk.

kanye west sort of makes fun of people who say they miss the old kanye. well, i don't know if i miss the old me. i don't think i do. but there's something that i miss about the past that i don't quite know what it is. is it the people? old readers, old friends from blogger. is it the time of my life when i wrote here the most? living with my parents and still in college. is it the security of anonymity? knowing nobody i know was going to read my blog. (that's still the case though)

here's the wishing well i throw my heart into. that's this blog. that's here in this spot of the internet.

it would be nice if someone was listening up there. in any case, i'll still go on about my day.

Thanksgiving 2019

rain outside
sitting in the office
girlfriend showering
need to wash clothes
dinner at my parents and then her sister's
rain tapping on the glass
second floor
closed blinds
daft punk's "within" in the bathroom
heating shut off
water bottle down stairs