Hello, 2018

Hello, blog.

Hello, old friend.

Hello, old space.

Hello, old times.

Hello, old self.

Hello, old me.

Hello, the past.

Hello, the present and future.

I wanted to just keep you up to date with me.

I'm married now. No, just kidding.

But I'm still in a relationship with the same person. We actually moved in together. We've been living together for about four weeks now, and it's been hard.

Harder than I expected because of how different we are, personalities and outlooks.

Sometimes, I feel criticized and judged. Sometimes, I feel supported and loved. Sometimes, I'm afraid of her reaction to what I'm about to say or do. Sometimes, I feel like crying. Sometimes, I feel hopeless and defeated.

But does the good out-weigh it?

There is good too. She's loving and adventurous. She's smart and career-driven and independent. She handles her business. She just called me, asking if I want any lunch from Costco. She's affectionate. She said my cooking was good this morning even though I put too much milk in the eggs.

Life goes on.

I'm writing a book. I have my own website. I'm posting regularly on Instagram. I'm not obsessed with anybody right now. I'm in love with my girlfriend. I'm healthy. I lift weights 2-3 times a week.

I'm sitting in my home office right now. My girlfriend owns a house. I own a car. I work at various colleges as an adjunct instructor.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

I wear dress shirts most days now. I just saw The Color Purple with my girlfriend's family on Saturday at the Segerstrom Center.

Life, man. Life. Life is tough and full of bills and bad neighbors. Life is full of showering and doing laundry. Life is worrying about next month's rent. Life is getting new tires after last week's 5-day tirp to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

Life is putting everything on credit. Life is drinking enough water. Life is cracking knees. Life is managing dandruff and athletes foot and psoriasis.

I want to go back to school, to take a few general ed classes, maybe even finally finish my Associate's for no reason other than to finish it. I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to make money and have enough money every month. I want to finish my book and post it for the world to love me and judge me and maybe even notice me.

My phone's at 79%. I have to go teach a class at 5:30 in Garden Grove. There's gonna be traffic, so I'm gonna have to leave around 4 o'clock. Tomorrow is when Frontier is coming to hook up the cable. It's gonna cost $75 for installation alone.

I miss my parents. It's like I've sorta forgotten about them and my old home. I don't feel like this is home yet. It feels strange, like I don't have a home. My stuff is here, but my joy isn't...yet. I hope to make my life here, full of joy and happiness and pride. It hasn't happened yet. I'm trying--God, I'm trying. It's going slowly...

What is my life made of? What am I trying for? I feel so near to crying right now. I feel so on edge about possibilities. It could be either, neither, or both. I want to laugh again. I want to crack jokes and life without fear of arousing anger, suspicion, and silence. Is hope ever violent?