Good Morning

I kind of wish people would say hi to each other again. I'm under the impression that sixty years ago perfect strangers on the street would greet each other. "Good morning," "Good afternoon," and "Hello" were common courtesy. Now what's courteous? Holding the door open for someone?

Everyone wants their distance and personal space untouched. Everybody's afraid of everybody. I suppose some fear is important. But when did it get to the point that looking at someone and saying hello was a crime? Some people are impossible to look at because it's like a personal attack to them; some people smile and say hello if you look at them, but they never initiate it.

We're too ironic and bored to take anything seriously anymore. If we're earnest we're also ironic. If were not ironic then we're uninspired. The only thing worse than dullness is sincerity.

One of my favorite Robert Frost lines is: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life — It goes on."

Our Mutual Discord

I want to go, to leave, and find someplace new. If possible, I want to travel to the future. I want to know who I'll be, who I'll associate with, what I'll do, what I'll be skilled at, and what I'll be deficient at.

Sometimes a person doesn't like you, and sometimes you don't like a person, and there's nothing else to be done about that. I don't mean outright hatred that burns inside our hearts; that's the kind of contempt reserved for movies and vain nincompoops. This dislike can be illustrated by something simple, like giving them a curt nod hello when you see them and walking away. Can everyone on Earth be agreeable with each other? No, I doubt it. We may hold our tongues, reserve our body language, withhold any hostility whatsoever, but there's not much to be done, nor is there more to expect. There will always be at least one person we don't see eye-to-eye with, and who's feelings are in concord with our own. It can't be helped. Whether it's because of deeply held opinions, an accidental history of bad blood, or something in-between, we each have a foil.

I am most encouraged when I am amongst my peers and perceive myself capable of surpassing their work; I am most discouraged when I read or hear about my superiors and find myself doubting my ability of ever reaching their level. I think my ego is far too frail.

Lately the sky has been overcast, and all day long it's gray outside.

Nostalgia Again

Mellow, melancholy music makes me feel nostalgic. It reminds me of my first year in high school. It's hard remembering my life back then. I have an overpowering sense of romantic nostalgia that reminds me of crushes, trying to fit in, and feeling very lonely. I was very lonely. I was very confused about what I wanted, and I never felt special. There's a lot of mixed feelings in that part of my memory.

I've never had a lot of friends. I don't generally meet very many people. I make acquaintances here and there, but full-blown friendships are rare. I've roughly had the same circle of friends since middle school. We're close, if only for that reason, but I've always imagined the friends I have now will be forgotten ten years from now. Everything's changing, as I've said a million times before. But it's so difficult to qualify this change that I don't even know what my life will be a month from now.

Who will I become in fifteen years? Who am I right now?

In other news, I finished Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. It was pretty funny. It bothers me a bit to know that Lewis Carroll was some creepy mathematician who took dubious pictures of children, but what does it matter now that he's dead?

I keep thinking about "The dreary intercourse of daily life." It makes me irritable.

My Elderly Self

I have this weird way of thinking about how my day is going. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to have a bad day. If I have a good day, I'm worried that the next day or the day after that will be a bad one, just to "balance" everything out. If I have a bad day, well then I'm miserable because my day's bad. It's not easy to stop thinking about.

Sometimes I blend into crowds just because I'm unremarkable. While I was waiting for my morning class to start (which it didn't because it was canceled), some guy was handing out brochures or something to everyone in the hallway. As I was leaning against the wall, he started on my right, made his way through a throng of people to my left, then returned to my right without handing one to me. I didn't mind not getting one; I'd probably just throw it away. But it's strange. Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe I give off a disgruntled, angry vibe. What if he's an unobservant guy?

It seems like the more I drive the slower I drive. I seriously drive like an stereotypical elderly person. But it really annoys me when I see people flying past me at 60 on a 40 mph street for no good reason. I mean, if you're going to save someone's life and driving that fast was the only way to save them in time, then I guess that's a good reason. But seriously: What are the chances of that happening? Oftentimes I think it's because everyone's always in a big hurry, like they've got something life/death important to do. But I've got news for you (people who drive unsafely): no one's that important to be endangering lives on the street. Plus you're wasting gas!

(I sound like a grumpy old man.)

A Fine Misty Day

I had a fine day today, and even though the weather was thoroughly depressing in a misty, North of England kind of way, I didn't mind.

What did bother me, however, was a girl in my math class who kept coughing in an 'I'm quite sick' sort of way. I hope I don't catch her cold.

I feel guilty for handing in a crappy English paper, especially when I really like my professor. He's a stuttering, knit-picky kind of guy, but he's smart and he's straight-forward about what he knows and what he doesn't, and he shares my belief that suffering in school is for the purpose of becoming better people more than obtaining a diploma and a subsequent career. It's nice to know I'm not alone in that thinking.

I nearly fell asleep listening to my CD player (yeah, I still use mine after 6 or 7 years) while misty rain wafted around my car. The vaporous gray clouds hid the afternoon sun as I awaited a time when no honorable man rise against his neighbor, and for 6:30 when my class would start.

I've been reading a lot more lately. I just finished Great Expectations (fantastic book), and am currently switching between Wuthering Heights and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. It's funny that a few years ago I wouldn't have understood any of these books, and now I'm reading them for a bit of morning enjoyment. I think I'm starting to come into my own.

I've also been writing a lot more recently, mostly fiction. There's not much more to that except I'm not very good yet, but I'm a lot better after practicing every day in March, and only hope to become better in the upcoming months. After all, creative writing is my freakin' major!

Deeply Apprehensive

I'm so deeply concerned with my future right now. It feels silly to talk about, and as I'm typing this sentence the sick sensation in my head is starting to dissipate. But nonetheless, I'm feeling very strange and nostalgic. Except it's the opposite of nostalgia, because instead of looking back I'm imagining forward. For some reason it's disheartening, like I'll never be happy again. Is this why so many people are unhappy with their lives when they reach middle age? Because they failed to achieve the visions of life they had when they were twenty?

I think it's mostly apprehension that's startling me. I don't know what kind of future I have, but I'm terrified it'll disappoint me. What are these feelings? So many people have failed to bring contentment into their lives that I'm afraid of living another day. Not every thing will go as expected, nor should they because it may not be what we need. But I at least want to find meaning to my life.

Know what it's like? It's like a dreary afternoon where you don't have anything to do but sit in your room and think. You've stopped being so busy that you finally have time to relax into the moment, and when you do you realize that something's not right, and you don't know what it is or when it happened because you were too busy to see. It's like a dreary afternoon inside me.

Life: The Untold Story

Not everything can be perfect.

Did I know what was going to happen today? Heck no! But that's just another one of life's surprises. Who knew I would be taking care of a kitten that my sister's friend found? Seriously, you can't plan life. It's the greatest story you can tell. There's no way you can figure out what's going to happen next. Nothing's for sure, I'll tell you what.

Blahblahblahblahblah!