june 17 2013

little social interactions in my everyday life

morning

this morning, at 8, my friends and i went hiking at a nearby trail. not the same one as last time; this one is much more relaxed. i didn't take pictures or video, and i guess there's a few reasons for that: 1. my memory card is full and i didn't feel like uploading stuff into my computer; 2. the past few times i've hung out with my friends, i've had my camera; i'm starting to notice them acting self-conscious around me because of my camera, so i wanted to stop or at least delay the association they have of my presence and them feeling self-conscious; 3. i didn't know if we'd be running on this trail, and i was afraid i'd drop my camera.

my friends girlfriend went with us, but her boyfriend did not. it was the first time, i think literally, that we've hung out with her without her boyfriend--who is still our friend. she brought another girl with her, whom she introduced as her sister-in-law.

it was funny driving over there. there was five of us, including myself, and we took one car. i was in the backseat with my friends girlfriend and her sister-in-law. i could feel the tension in my body as i tried to not accidentally touch my friends girlfriend. with some people you can rest your thigh against their thigh or your arm against their arm; i could not do that with her.

okay, i admit it: i looked at her butt a few times up the trail.

i realize that people are distant to me not because they don't want to be close with me, but because i don't make an effort to build a relationship with them. some people may not want that; some people may be genuinely uninterested or bothered or even repulsed by me. you know what i say to that? "whatever."

humility

my dad's truck broke down on saturday night. on sunday he took it to the mechanics. today my mom and i went to pick up his truck while my dad was at work. unfortunately, it's a manual, and neither my mom or i know how to drive a manual. i've actually practiced a few times, so i actually do know how and have some experience with my brother's car.

i drive us there in my car. when we give them the payment, my mom asks if they can deliver the truck to my grandma's house which is about a four minute drive away in traffic--about .8 miles. the guy, in chinese-accented english, said no, they don't deliver cars. my mom kept insisting, saying that it wasn't very far away, it wouldn't be much trouble. finally, the guys says okay, and he'll have one of his mechanics follow my car to my grandma's house, but i'd have to give him a ride back. fair enough.

i felt tremendous shame and anger in not being able to drive my dads truck. i told my mom that i could drive the truck to my grandmother's house, but i know that my dad had no confidence in my manual driving and insisted that the mechanic take it. that, or my mom had no confidence in my driving. since it's the truck my dad uses for work, it's very important that nothing happen to it. they didn't want to risk me breaking the transmission in a four minute drive. i was humiliated. i swallowed my pride and tried to make myself humble and didn't say anything.

tips

i dropped my mom off at my grandmas house. the mechanic driving my dads truck got into my car. i said, 'thank you very much, i appreciate it,' or something like that. he said, 'no problem.' then we were silent all the way back. conversation, like a lot of things, isn't about how much you talk; it's about technique. it's like driving; going fast doesn't mean you're a good driver--not necessarily. there's a technique to driving; there's different skills like vision, understanding the spatial relationships of your car, ie, knowing where your car is in it's dimensions, analyzing traffic patterns, basic hand-eye coordination, etc, etc. for conversation, people who are good at conversing with others have habits or techniques for getting people to open up or for making them feel at ease. i think. it seems that some people learn this very young, but i think it is possible to learn through practice. i want to learn these skills, yet i'm too scared of people to practice.

anyway, i gave the guy 5 dollars for helping us.

a bit of my life

The street i grew up on. the hands i grew up with.