june 12 2013

  around 2 am

Sometimes i can't believe people read this blog, and want to read it. this is just an attempt to boost my ego, but why do you want to read this?

i'm trying to post more often, for in the past i updated once or twice a month and never felt satisfied with my output. it's difficult--always--to post something new. i want everything i write to be interesting or deep or meditative or honest or funny or introspective or generally a piece of writing that is worth reading. i'm worried that as my output increases the quality of my posts will lower. then again, if they were never really good in the first place, what do i need to worry for, eh?

you know, it's been more than three years since i've started blogging. i don't know how to feel about that. to me, it seems like a long time to stick to blogging, but i know some people have been blogging since 1997 or the invention of the world wide web or whatever, so what's three years, really? still, three years of life has passed, and how fast they've gone has surprised me.

you want to know what is one of my biggest fears here? it's that the people who read my blog will move on with their lives and stop reading and never return, and i'll be alone again. the hardest part is that i can't blame them, for i know that i, too, may stop blogging one day. i think that if i were ever to do that, i'd say goodbye first because i'd want some kind of closure in this part of my life. after all, we're just people talking on the internet. all of us have feelings.

i'm sincerely glad i am here.

10 am

 i got a text this morning. it was one of my friends. i've mentioned him before, the one who had a baby when he and his girlfriend were 18; the one, in fact, who's wedding i once talked about. he sent a picture of himself with his arm around his pregnant wife (same girl); they were standing inside a car dealership, behind them was their new Nissan with a caption that said, "Look what we got!"

i think that's a nice image. first time his girlfriend was pregnant, he was a young, rash, recent high school graduate with no money and a minimum wage job; now he's an imminent (i think) college graduate with a full, high paying career, and his young girlfriend is now his beautiful wife. the difference four years can make.
 

sometimes i can't believe he's the same age as me, and in fact, one month younger than me. he seems so much older. he has a wife, a kid, another baby on the way, a high paying job in finances that i don't understand, a new car, and he is (i think) graduating from college this semester. that's impressive, isn't it?

 

i would hope that i could be even half as successful as he is someday. i'm not jealous or envious, not really; i'm more in awe, and to be honest, i'm a bit proud. however, it does worry me. will i ever make it on my own feet? will i be able to support a family, have a wife and kids, a house, a car, enjoy working and not constantly worry about losing everything?

 

i am ashamed that i haven't done anything important in my life, or accomplished anything really worth mentioning.

1pm

my real name is not tom or thomas.

i have no idea what you think of this. maybe you feel betrayed; maybe you don't even care and i'm a big dummy. either way, sorry. in a way, it does feel like lying, and i do feel a slight bit of guilt for being misleading. i feel the need to clear my conscious.

Tom now does exist as a part of who i am since many of my deepest, private thoughts are revealed here; but to be truthful, it's not my real name, nor am i him--the one you know on here as Tom. does that make sense? sometimes it feels like you're talking about a completely different person when i post something. 'That's Tom,' I say, 'he wrote that; this is his blog.' no, this is my blog. i'm not tom, but tom is me. i know that won't make a lot of sense, but it is freeing to finally put into words the feelings i have about this issue.

i guess you can say that Tom is only one part of me, although he is an honest, private, reflective part. i am more than he is, but i haven't figured out by how much. i like to think part of me is Tom in spirit.

should i reveal my name on here? i don't know. i want to tell you my name, but i don't want to reveal too much. i can see it resulting in two ways: the mystery disappears, or even worse, you don't care.

i don't think i will.

haha, now what will you call me?