Sad Post Final Part

 I went to his funeral. It was at 9 am. The church was filled here and there with people. There were people crying during the service. There were readings. There was the eucharist. His body was in a closed casket under a white sheet.

the burial took place right after. the day was hot. i was wearing a black shirt and black pants. we stood directly in the sun as people  shared last thoughts about him. there was a mariachi band playing.

i didn't cry.

his father stood in front of the casket and began to sing. the mariachi band played with him. his face contorted at every note. he lost his voice at times when he couldn't stop the tears from coming. he sang out his broken heart. i thought about the love of my father, and i cried.

overhead, i hear an airplane. i look up and spot a tiny gray shape fly over us. what a racket it makes! i think that maybe that's our life: a passing blip, and a loud splash of noise. the plane passes and is gone.

his mother cries violently. outbursts of grief hit her and i worry she'll never have control of herself ever again. i try placing my own mother in this woman's place, were it my funeral, but i just cannot. the image is too remote for me to imagine. so i just watch her cry.

we watch as they bury him. lots of people are gone now. before they leave, we form a line and threw handfuls of dirt into the grave. it doesn't mean much to me; i do it because everyone else is. i try attaching the feeling of the dirt on my hand with a feeling of mortality. I try making his death tangible by rubbing the leftover dirt between my fingers. But no deeper meanings come to me. I feel nothing.

they bury him. everyone leaves the family to themselves because it feels too personal to stay.

I would have regretted not going.

Rest In Peace.

Sad Post Part 2

My reaction to everything that's happened? Shock. Disbelief. Assertion of denial. This can't be happening. But that's it.

In truth, I'm not heart-broken. Yes, someone has passed away, but not someone I loved. Not someone I cared about. If there is a fault in this, don't tell me.

I'm shocked by this death, but I'm not upset. I feel guilty for not being more moved, but this is the unerring truth: I'm not sad over this person's death. He was a stranger to me, and the only connection I held with him was one of accident, convenience, and impersonal politeness. The event itself is tragic; he was only twenty-one years old and almost out of college. He was a nice person, as far as I knew him, and his death is a horrible loss. There was no reason for this to happen.

This time isn't about me, though. It's about the person who passed, the family left behind, the friends who are grieving. I can wonder and I can formulate any thoughts I want about how the situation affects me, but that doesn't help anyone. And it's not healthy to focus too much on yourself.

In a few days, I'll be going to his funeral. If you don't want to think I am a horrible person, don't read on. I'm attending his funeral to save face. My friends will be there, and if I don't show up, they will never forgive me. They are under the impression that the deceased and I were friends, when in actuality, we were only friendly. Now that he has passed, this relationship has cemented into a reality which I do not think I will be able to escape for many years. To keep the respect of my friends, I will go to the funeral. Only out of politeness.


And if I'm wrong about all this, I hope I am able to someday understand why.

Sad Post

Okay.

So yesterday, thursday, someone I knew was hit by a car while riding his bike and later died at the hospital. He wasn't someone I was close with. He was an acquaintance of mine. I don't know if we were really friends, although we were always friendly to each other. We hung around the same friends. He was friends with my friends, so we were at the same gatherings sometimes. A few years ago he was my secret santa for chistmas and got me a hawaiin shirt.

The weird thing is, right, that i saw him wednesday night. I was one of the last people who saw him alive. so strange. i shook his hand, smiled at him, saw him talking and moving and living. now he's gone? i even joked with him. he was wearing a berkeley shirt but he didn't go there. i said to him as he was leaving, 'hey, bro. i didn't know you went to berkeley.' he smiled and said as he was turning to leave, 'nah, it's a souvenir.' then he left and the next afternoon he was dead.

yesterday, thursday, after it happened, we gathered at my friends house and sat around a bonfire. no one spoke for about an hour and a half. like i said, i wasn't close to him, but some of my friends were, and they were crying when i got there. i had no idea what to do, what to say, so i sat quietly and stared into the fire.


Possibly more on this later.

Things about Goodbye

I was going over some of the people I follow. Many don't blog anymore. Some entries are two to three years old. They left us waiting. I'll never listen to their thoughts again. Isn't blogging strange? I feel forgotten. People leave, but if they don't say goodbye, it makes your feelings awkward.

There's a feeling inside me that hurts.  Everything is so quiet. You want to hold someone warm. Your hands are cold. You want someone else next to your body so much it hurts. It's easy to lose people. When you don't dig deep into someone, it's easier to brush them away. We've started something that has no satisfying conclusion. Did we know this? I expected to be loved, but not to love in return.

Why does it hurt so much? What is this?

early expectations

so the date never happened. we were going to the movies at 6:45 on sunday. I showered and changed and even styled my hair, which i never do. i was ready by 5:30. but when i called her she didn't answer. she sent me a text later saying she was sorry but she expected to be home earlier and couldn't make it. i said it was fine. she text me back a little later aplogizing, saying she felt really bad. i told her it was all right, that missing the movie didn't bother me at all, and that what i really wanted was just to spend some time with her. she said i truly seemed like a nice guy.

this is all true.

i don't know if i'm a nice guy. i'm a good guy. i'm a timid guy. i'm scared, cowardly, antisocial. i'm sometimes noble, sometimes heroic, usually honest. I'm witty, funny, sharp, and sarcastic, but i'm also dumb, slow to comprehend, and inattentive. i'm not mean, but i can be cruel. i'm not angry, but i lose my temper easily. what does a nice guy mean?

i'm optimistic about this girl. i see two possibilities: one, she's not interested; two, she's hesitant and shy. I see the second as most likely, but maybe that's the delusion talking. i just finished texting with her, asking her about her weekend and her day. it was nice. ultimately, i must know: is this leading to a dead-end? do i have to slowly win her trust and comfort over a period of time? is patience key here? or is she stringing me along half-heartedly? if i truly knew what she wanted, and if what she wanted wasn't a relationship with me, i'd cut her away without a thought. But the catch is that you can't know.

in the beginning i told her that I liked her (a mistake?) and that I wanted to get to know her, and asked her if this was all right. she told me she was okay with this, and that i seemed like a nice guy.


goodnight.

Holy crap. I'm going on a date this Sunday. How did that happen?

Any first date tips? I've never been on a date before. We're going to the movies.

A smattering of thoughts about spirituality

So here's what's been on my mind lately. I've been thinking about spirituality. What does it mean? What is it? Can it help me in my life? The way I see it, my life is divided into three components: my physical body, my intellectual powers, and my spirituality. I work out my body constantly by lifting weights and swimming. I try to read as often as I can to improve my mind; and plus, I'm currently going to college. But spirituality is the one area where I commit no time to improving. And I think my life is starting to suffer because of it.

In a way, I think, spirituality is a means of organizing ones mind, concerting ones will in an effort to move from a lower stage in life to a higher stage in life.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about a specific religion when I talk about spirituality. I think this effect or power or whatever is found the world over. Three examples immediately came to my mind: 1.) Christians visiting the birth site of Jesus Christ in Bethlehem; 2.) Hindus bathing in the Ganges River for purification; 3.) Buddhists meditating under the same type of tree Siddhārtha Gautama sat under when he reached Enlightenment. In my opinion, all of these offer a version of spirituality. Each one depicts an effort to improve oneself. The christian means to become closer to Christ by making pilgrimage to a holy site; the Hindu performs a ritual part of his/her religion that has been practiced for thousands of years; the Buddhist is focused on attaining a higher level of consciousness. So spirituality isn't just reserved for one religion; it is found in many religions.

But what is it? Personally, I've concluded it's a means of directing ones will or consciousness to the improvement of one's mind and life. It has been said by your parents that you are capable of doing anything. Well, this might be true, but only under certain conditions. I believe spirituality is the key to this. Spirituality requires control over ones self, while simultaneously giving up ones individuality to join a greater force--human or supernatural. For instance, Christians often pray to God for thanks, for help, or for comfort. They are focusing their lives, examing themselves, and then offering themselves to the power of God. Prayer, I have concluded, is not a religious act but a spiritual one. Obviously I'm generalizing a lot, but I think there's something to all of this. Meditation is another effort of spirituality. For Buddhists, meditation is one way of moving towards Enlightenment. But it is also good for clearing ones thoughts and I believe there are also additional health benefits.

I'm just thinking that spirituality is not necessarily linked to religion, and that as a non-believer of any religion myself, I'm beginning to think I need to become more spiritual. Spirituality, as I see it, is the effort of introspection and striving for critical insight into one's mind, life, and society. I believe I currently lack the self-control, self-discipline, and will power gained through practice of spirituality. I therefore believe I'd like to include prayer and meditation in my life more often.

Yes, I believe prayer can help you even if you don't believe in God. What am I praying to if I don't believe in God? Perhaps I'll use it as a time of reflection. I'll remind myself of everything I'm grateful for; I'll wish other people well. I'll do anything, really, that you would do if you were reflecting on your life. But my hands will be held together and I'll be kneeling very quietly.

Is this stupid? Do you really think so?