Sad Post Part 2

My reaction to everything that's happened? Shock. Disbelief. Assertion of denial. This can't be happening. But that's it.

In truth, I'm not heart-broken. Yes, someone has passed away, but not someone I loved. Not someone I cared about. If there is a fault in this, don't tell me.

I'm shocked by this death, but I'm not upset. I feel guilty for not being more moved, but this is the unerring truth: I'm not sad over this person's death. He was a stranger to me, and the only connection I held with him was one of accident, convenience, and impersonal politeness. The event itself is tragic; he was only twenty-one years old and almost out of college. He was a nice person, as far as I knew him, and his death is a horrible loss. There was no reason for this to happen.

This time isn't about me, though. It's about the person who passed, the family left behind, the friends who are grieving. I can wonder and I can formulate any thoughts I want about how the situation affects me, but that doesn't help anyone. And it's not healthy to focus too much on yourself.

In a few days, I'll be going to his funeral. If you don't want to think I am a horrible person, don't read on. I'm attending his funeral to save face. My friends will be there, and if I don't show up, they will never forgive me. They are under the impression that the deceased and I were friends, when in actuality, we were only friendly. Now that he has passed, this relationship has cemented into a reality which I do not think I will be able to escape for many years. To keep the respect of my friends, I will go to the funeral. Only out of politeness.


And if I'm wrong about all this, I hope I am able to someday understand why.