I've been thinking about a girlfriend

Been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I need one, I want one. They aren't so bad, are they? Someone to kiss, someone to hold. Isn't it normal to think this way at 20? It's biological; nothing could be more natural. We are animals, thinking animals--praying and studying and driving cars and piloting airplanes. Liars don't use contractions, they like to formalize their language--deliberation is deception. Why do we have relationships? Companionship, sexual gratification or release, a sense of belonging--a dimmed sense of unmitigated loneliness. Loneliness seems the best natural state of humans. We do not learn as children how to be lonely, we just know somehow when we're born that ourselves aren't enough when pitted against the world in this arena. You're the same, you're the same, you're the same. The same as me, the same as me. I wonder: how lonely is everybody today? I'm feeling quite lonely, quite desperate. Natural inclination to breed and explore. What's the difference when it happens? Who do I wait for? Myself, my lonely self.

Relationships: some never leave one, some never need one. I need one.

This whole life situation

Sometimes it's hard to think about--this whole life situation. It's true that money dictates everything; it's the fuel for living. A part of me hates that, though it does accept the truth. That's the thing about truth: you may not have to like it, but you must accept it. What is true anyways? Anyways.

Like I said, part of me hates this life situation: get born, grow up, go to school, job, career, career, family, struggle, retirement(?), death, gone. And money keeps it running. It's so predictable. The youthful, creative side of me is inside right now, shaking his head, saying, "No, no, no, no; my life won't be like that." Oh, really?

Sometimes it's hard to live knowing money will dictate my life. Is there a way to escape? What do I want out of life anyway? It's painful to think about.

Twoday at the Fair

I just came back from the fair. I'm in a fatigued/overstimulated/deep-fried brain condition.

My friends and I walked a lot, talked a lot, joked a lot, and sat a bit. We only ate once between the hours of 1 and 11. I had a calzone; everyone else gobbled down ginormous slabs of turkey leg and meat on a stick.

Today I learned that I deeply value dependability. My ride almost stranded me miles away from home. Reliability is important to me, and will continue to stay important in my life until I die. I don't trust people who repeatedly fall behind their words.

Actions do not simply speak louder than words; they shout, jump, scream, leap, hiss, clap, spank; they punch out your cousin; they save your ass from a burning building. Words are thoughts full of hot air.

Another one

I wish there was no doubt. I wish I knew exactly what I loved. I wish I knew lots of authors and read lots of books so that I, too, could throw ambiguous names out in conversation.

I wish I wasn't so bad at meeting new people. I wish I was more charismatic and charming, someone more gregarious and someone people feel comfortable around.

I wish my hair didn't smell right now. I wish I didn't feel sick; I wish I was sick, so at least I know why I feel sick. I wish I would go to bed.

I wish I wasn't so concerned. I wish I was more patient, kind, sensitive to my family, to my friends, to strangers. I wish for greatness, fame, glory, praise, reverence, honor. I wish I could be great for myself, by myself. I wish I could move and touch people. I want to connect. I wish for a great life.

(correction: it doesn't bother me that my hair smells)

My Friends Wedding

Last Saturday my friend got married. My other friends got drunk and I even danced (I don't drink). After I dropped them off at the after-party, I went home. Someone left their cell phone and another person left their glasses in my car. When I searched my trunk for my jacket the next morning I discovered someone had taken it by mistake. Overall, a crazy, strange, surreal night full of drunk, partying, merry people. A nice wedding.

Growing Pains

I guess, as I'm getting older, I'm starting to miss my childhood a little. Just little things, like sitting in my grandma's house eating lunch while watching cartoons or walking to the arcade with my brother. These are things I won't ever do again; they're sweet memories made bitter with growing up. The reason I'm thinking about death--not suicide, but death in general--is that I've had this feeling inside me for a while that's telling me my childhood is over, and it will never return. And that makes me sad.

I told my mom today I felt a little sad thinking about the past, and she told me to look forward to the future. Even she, at 50 plus years old, looks toward the future. If you focus on negative thoughts, she told me, your thoughts will become negative.

Although my childhood memories aren't negative, they're bitter, and they have made me bitter. For now I've decided to follow my mom's advice and focus to the future and prepare myself a little more for my life as an independent adult.

Silly Boy

(Has it already been a month since my last post?)

I feel like crying right now. Why?

I've been feeling suspended lately. My life feels uncoordinated, unorganized, wandering. Is that good or bad? Should I even ask that question? Not everything can be qualified as good or bad; sometimes life just is.

I don't believe in soul mates. That's silly. I believe in people and I believe in disconnectedness and I believe in love. Choosing a spouse or partner or whatever isn't a matter of finding "the one." There is no one who will completely fill that silly void inside all of us. I don't believe there is one person who is perfect for us because, obviously, no one is perfect. Which leads me back to the whole good or bad dilemma. Some people can get along well, and some people cannot. That doesn't mean that anyone's "bad;" it just means that's the way they are. Some things just are.

Why do I feel so vulnerable? That's a great word to describe how I feel: vulnerable.

My life feels messy. Everything is starting to speed up, and it seems like as more time passes the more hectic my life will become until, eventually, I will die. I was thinking about death the other day. What is it like to die? It's startling to think about my own death. I've never given it any realistic thoughts. But it's there, waiting.

I'm still wondering how my life will end up. Do I need to take steadier control of it?

Anyway, that's the final thought of the day.

P.S.
(Welcome home, Miss Anonymously Me)