Trips

I'm gonna try to write this real quick because I'm supposed to go to class at 12 and I still have some homework to finish.

I'm currently writing a statement of purpose for a teaching internship to China this summer. It's through the school, and I'm paying a bit of money to go. Even though you can't tell by these related facts, I'm excited as all hell.

Something funny about this trip: this girl I like is going to, and I want to become teaching partners with her despite that I've more or less confessed how I feel to her and she's told me she has a boyfriend. There's a certain formality or numbing knowingness in our interactions, but she's a cool person, and I've taken to calling her "dude" and whatnot to get it into my brain that she's a friend.

She, like, kinda flirts with me? I don't know what's going on. Maybe I'm paranoid, but there's something to this idea. I think she does like me, but can't do anything because she has a boyfriend. But maybe she doesn't.  Sometimes I get to thinking and analyzing in my discursive, protracted way. I've gotten better about causing undue suffering to myself, however, by reminding myself that none of this really matters. i don't need her to be happy.

I've taken to repeating this mantra to myself to prevent myself from extra suffering in cases like these: "Consider what you want versus what you need." Meaning, when I really think about all that I have, in reality, I have everything that I need to be happy. Ancillary attachments are things that I want, in a false belief that they'll make me happy. I can be happy right now, if I remember that I have everything I need as of this moment: food, water, shelter, friends, work, hobbies, and family.

So yeah: going to China, filling out the application. It's gonna be a great time.

I gotta get to class soon. See ya.

End of November

Since it's the last day of the month, I figured I'd post something.

I don't have a whole lot to say. Most of what comes up I write in my diary. And if not there, I just forget it.

I've made some friends at school. We form a study group. They're nice. Sometimes I feel detached from them because I realize I'm only a secondary character in their lives. Sometimes I feel like a road stop on their way to wherever it is they're going. Then that doesn't feel good.

I feel incapable of getting any goddamn work done. I'm sick of it. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm undisciplined. I'm complacent. I'm whatever, whatever, whatever. I just wanna work, get things done, get them over with.

This week and next I have so much work to do. I'm overwhelmed. I can't form complete thoughts.

I'm lonely. Everyone's doing their own thing; I'm over here doing mine. I don't feel accomplished like one does when one pursues their interests. I don't feel autonomous.

Am I dependent on others to the point of dissatisfaction with my life? Why do I need other people to relate to?

I know I'll feel better in two weeks, after finals are over. I know this is a passing phase. I know, but the knowing doesn't ease the anxiety. Worries today last forever, never go away. I can't wait until tomorrow; I'm impatient and want solutions now.

One of my friends is married. Her name's Mel. I'm attracted to her. She loves her husband. Her husband loves her. He has tattoos of her--big ones. She has life problems--complicated ones. She's depressed. She comes from an addict mother and absent father. She says I'm one of two positive people in her life right now (the other being her husband). Do I get high off her friendliness? What's the point if I do? Can't I befriend her for goodness and love in spirit?

I asked a girl if she had a boyfriend. She's in two of my classes. She's part of the study group. She has a boyfriend.

Why does having a girlfriend even matter? It won't help me.

I think about my sister constantly getting texts from her boyfriend. Will that make me happy: getting texts from someone? Talking to someone through digital messages makes people happy?

Or do I desire sexual appeasement? If so, how can I justify befriending anybody without having an ulterior motive? Motive is always present.

I'm gonna try to get on with my life. The only way I know how to do that is to focus on school. School isn't my life, but doing well will go far in taking me where I want to go. I can't wait at the road stop any longer. Soon everyone's gonna leave . I'll be alone again as before. Not alone exactly: it's more like left behind.

There's no one here; everybody's gone. I might as well go too.

Beginning grad school

I don't have much time to write this. I'm writing it because I've felt disconnected from this important part of my life--this anonymous outlet for my feelings and thoughts.

Since I've been in grad school, I haven't had a lot of time to do stuff. By stuff, I mean stuff I normally had time to do, like read, hang out with friends, play PS4, watch TV, spend all day on the internet. This is good.

Going to the same place I did my undergrad stirs an occasional mixture of nostalgia in my gut once in a while. For instance, walking past the baseball field reminds me of the evenings Ana and I would walk by there on our way to the parking lot. Or, whenever I happen to see the big second-floor windows in the student center, I look also at the jacaranda across the way, and am reminded of the time I helped her prepare for an important presentation during a rainstorm--back when that jacaranda was in bloom.

I've been thinking of the future as well. As I sit in the library, I dream of the graduation ceremony two years from now where I'll be presented with a Master's degree.

That excites me. And the thought of moving abroad to teach English after graduation excites me as well. I haven't told you or anybody yet, but I'm looking to leave the country after I get my degree for an extended period of time of teaching abroad. That's another dream that keeps me afloat.

I'll continue writing here, naturally. By this time, I'm too far invested to quit now. All my most intimate thoughts and feelings have been recorded here (and some not so intimate, not so important); who I was can be found here, and I think there are even traces of who I'm yet to become.

How long has it been? 5 years? And how long will it go on? Another 5 years?

We'll see.

Family Tensions

Today I went to work with my dad. We ate lunch at Taco Bell. We started to talk seriously about my brother. Apparently, yesterday night, he needed a scale to weigh himself. See, he's trying to get into the police academy, and about a month ago they told him to lose 10 pounds in 1 month. He was at 210 lbs. Last night, he was looking for a scale even though he's bought at least 2 in the past few years. My dad overheard him and my mom talking about it. He decided to go to Walmart to buy one. When he returned, my brother weighed himself. He was at 227.

My dad asked him why he didn't weigh himself before today--days before he has to go get weighed by the recruiters (Wednesday, I believe). My brother said that he didn't need to because he knows his own body. This was before my dad bought the scale. Then, when he weighed himself in the living room, he said how it's not a big deal because he's gained muscle and that they'd forgive the extra weight.

My dad was fuming. He was absolutely fed-up. "Is he that stupid?" my dad said at Taco Bell. "Do I need to take him to a psychiatrist, check to see if he's mentally handicap?" My dad has never said anything like this to me before.

My dad has no faith in my 27 year old brother, who still lives in my parents garage, who works a low-wage part time job at a retail store, whose room is, in the words of my father, "the way homeless people live." I told my dad that my brother has a victim mentality: he feels exasperated by the world, feels as though it's out to get him and there's nothing he can do. But this isn't necessarily so. He refuses to do things because he thinks he's always the one who has to do them, even though: a) he never is, and b) even if he does do them all the time, they're still important things that ought to get done just to better his own life. Simple things too, basic things that any competent adult should be able to do for themselves, like bring in groceries, do one's own laundry, wash dishes, etc.

My mom is my brother's greatest champion. My dad's constantly at-odds with her. She protects us from my father's scorn, his criticisms. Not unfounded criticisms: genuine things he believes we should be doing at our ages. But my mom gets emotional and threatens him if he dare speak out against us. And once my mom gets upset, the whole household locks in a tense stalemate and everyone's unhappy.

But my brother's fucking up his opportunities, and my father can't help being pissed-off. He's getting old, and being a gardener isn't for people without cartilage in their knees or constant pains in their elbows. My dad constantly worries about the day he's not going to be able to work anymore. Once he's no longer bringing in money, where will the family be? Due to his sacrifices, I live in a house, have food, have utilities like light and gas. But what happens when my dad's done, his body says no more?

He doesn't think we, his kids, can survive without him. But my mom will never let him say that. Especially not to my brother who, filled with shame and guilt, hardly ever talks to my dad, avoids his presence, and once, I remember, cried when my dad confronted him about his life choices.

I feel sorry for my self-oblivious brother. I feel sorry for my trapped, sacrificial dad. I feel sorry for my unreasonable mom. I feel sorry that we're in this situation. I'd feel sorry for myself too, but I feel that would be too self-indulgent, and that's something I want to differentiate between my older brother and myself.

"Sometimes I feel like selling the house, giving half of it to your mom, and telling her, 'Go. Take your kids.'" I looked at my dad wide-eyed when he said that. He wasn't totally serious. I've never heard my parents talk about divorce before. But I could tell: the action with the thought, though far away, was certainly within distance, if only enough time would pass.

When I asked him, when he was 28 and got married to my mom, did he ever think about the difficulties that would arise with his wife and with his family--the irreconcilable, unsolvable problems? Did he ever consider those at 28? "I should have been old enough," he laughed. "If you were to ask me for marriage advice," he later told me, "I wouldn't know what to say. 'Marry a good woman'? Well, yeah. But just because you marry a good woman doesn't mean you're going to have a good marriage, you know?"

I felt a bit sad agreeing with him.

Graduation Saturday -- June 13, 2015

I graduated college this morning.

I miss my friend Ana.

I'm sitting on my Ikea desk, in my room, listening to Slow Dive. I'm cleaning up my room because some friends are going to come over around 6 or 7 pm. It's 2:14 right now. We're having a barbecue.

I still need to apply for the Master's program. I have until the 15th or 17th.

I try so hard to be patient and compassionate. It's so hard. It's worth it.

I still have so much time until the party starts. I don't exactly know what to do.

No, yes I do. I have work to do. I have time to wait. I kinda have to wait. But waiting's not so bad. At least I have people who care about me.

I truly wanted to introduce Ana to my family. Why didn't I? I'm not ashamed of her. But maybe I felt that was too relationship-y. But friends introduce other friends to their families at graduation. But how come I didn't feel the need to introduce any of my other friends? How come only Ana?

Only Ana.

We spent the morning together.

No! I can't fall back into obsessing about her. Not today, when I just graduated.

I have to be patient, and hope for the best. I have to allow time for maturation within me. I have to wait patiently for life to unfold.

Okay. Okay. Barbecue's at 6 or 7.

I invited Ana, but she had plans already.

She gave me a card this morning with a real heartfelt message inside about how she thinks of me as her good friend. I think the card I gave her turned our relationship more platonic than I expected. But, I gave her that card because I wanted to, without expecting anything in return. That's the kind of friend and partner I ought to be: one who gives without expecting rewards or favors in return. It's not easy at all.

We sat next to each other, and went up together, and walked together. I hugged her for the first time at the end.

I'm too obsessed already; I can feel it bothering me like a bad-fitting shoe.

This kind of tumultuous love bullshit is too sad to think about. I'm too tired to handle it. I hope it passes soon.

17 months pass

I read once that romantic love will last between 12 to 17 months. That is, that high feeling one gets when they're in love lasts for that long--that feeling where your SO, the object of your affection, seems without fault, seems unreal, and your moods depend upon the flux of their existence.

I don't feel in love with Ana.

It's been about 16 months since I first fell for her behind building 5 on the stairs, studying for a linguistics quiz. We simply ran into each other an hour before class started, not really knowing the other, but deciding to study. She sat two steps above me, on that narrow stairwell, as we held books on our laps. I recall during our conversation the building feeling of clicking with her--everything seemed to find a place in her response; every joke landed; she understood my humor and my timing. My internal beats found a similarly paced heartbeat. that's when i fell in love--when, you know, when i first became infatuated. the intrusive thoughts only continued from there.

There's so much i don't even know about her. For some reason, she's really into drummers. Her boyfriend is one. She said she almost died while high one time at school (she only thought she was going to die). For the past 16 months, i've been content to just be around her, but now that's changing. i notice that i don't know much about her life outside of school.

And now--16 months later--i see her and feel sad. i feel the restless ticking pushing us apart, weeks unfeeling, distances of space expanding for each second between us. I feel how untuned she really is to me. Her life cannot possibly match into mine, nor can i now, in my current situation, possible hope to fit into hers. I need more years of maturity and experience to even begin thinking about taking care of another person, and, for all her good qualities, i know Ana is, at heart, a fragile person who needs to be taken care of.

We met at the wrong time, is all.



PS. I realize that nobody holds my happiness in their hands except for me. I must remain open to all that life offers. My life is worth more than being somebody's boyfriend or husband; it is the culmination of my experiences, skills, desires, hopes, efforts. If I put in the effort to improve my own life--not for anybody else's sake, but purely for my own; with no expectation or wish for the approval of anybody--then I think I can lead a content and fulfilling existence. But that's all for another time. 

may feelings

5/11/15

i like her because i tell stories to myself about her, stories that involved far-flung futures and no debts and manipulating character until there's no one left but me.

when i graduate in june, that'll be it: we won't see each other like this anymore. i can't wait. as it is right now, i can't help falling for her each time we meet and separate. she's on my mind the rest of the day.

love is meant to be selfless and pure and virtuous and generous, but part of me resists all that because i want her. That selfish want which rots in me, releasing toxins, poisoning my blood streams and organ tissue, can't be removed. i'd like her to cut me open and take it out, but she won't because she won't fall in love with me.

if I truly loved her, i'd leave her alone. i'd realize there's no room for me in her life, and that her life is already full of goodness. i never thought a college friend would mean so much. i never thought college would actually end.

but it won't end just yet. i'm going for a Master's. two more years. who will i become?

there's more to me than her; there's more to life than this small worldview i peek through. there are endless vistas yet explored, and new people to meet, and new love to encourage. some situations are helpless, but none are ever hopeless.

goddammit, but why do I obsess over this girl so much? what is it about her that compels an overwhelming comfort and innate familiarity? i feel like i've known her for years, but we only met last winter.

it doesn't matter. we're graduating four weeks from now, and without school, our friendship may wither and sank back into dirt. That's better for me and for her. I can move on if i admit that i love her, and that to love is to give generously and selflessly. to love is to be happy for them, even when they're not being happy with you.

love is hard and unfair. love isn't meant to sustain relationships, but rather focus them. love is spreading yourself beyond reason into loyalty-driven nonsense.

i'd rather her be happy with her boyfriend and job and other friends than to impose on her. accepting that is the only way to move on.

god, where will i be in three years? where will we all be? i hope she's okay. i hope i'm okay. i hope, i hope, i hope it'll all be okay.

i think my world-view is too confined.