Graduation Saturday -- June 13, 2015

I graduated college this morning.

I miss my friend Ana.

I'm sitting on my Ikea desk, in my room, listening to Slow Dive. I'm cleaning up my room because some friends are going to come over around 6 or 7 pm. It's 2:14 right now. We're having a barbecue.

I still need to apply for the Master's program. I have until the 15th or 17th.

I try so hard to be patient and compassionate. It's so hard. It's worth it.

I still have so much time until the party starts. I don't exactly know what to do.

No, yes I do. I have work to do. I have time to wait. I kinda have to wait. But waiting's not so bad. At least I have people who care about me.

I truly wanted to introduce Ana to my family. Why didn't I? I'm not ashamed of her. But maybe I felt that was too relationship-y. But friends introduce other friends to their families at graduation. But how come I didn't feel the need to introduce any of my other friends? How come only Ana?

Only Ana.

We spent the morning together.

No! I can't fall back into obsessing about her. Not today, when I just graduated.

I have to be patient, and hope for the best. I have to allow time for maturation within me. I have to wait patiently for life to unfold.

Okay. Okay. Barbecue's at 6 or 7.

I invited Ana, but she had plans already.

She gave me a card this morning with a real heartfelt message inside about how she thinks of me as her good friend. I think the card I gave her turned our relationship more platonic than I expected. But, I gave her that card because I wanted to, without expecting anything in return. That's the kind of friend and partner I ought to be: one who gives without expecting rewards or favors in return. It's not easy at all.

We sat next to each other, and went up together, and walked together. I hugged her for the first time at the end.

I'm too obsessed already; I can feel it bothering me like a bad-fitting shoe.

This kind of tumultuous love bullshit is too sad to think about. I'm too tired to handle it. I hope it passes soon.