Trips

I'm gonna try to write this real quick because I'm supposed to go to class at 12 and I still have some homework to finish.

I'm currently writing a statement of purpose for a teaching internship to China this summer. It's through the school, and I'm paying a bit of money to go. Even though you can't tell by these related facts, I'm excited as all hell.

Something funny about this trip: this girl I like is going to, and I want to become teaching partners with her despite that I've more or less confessed how I feel to her and she's told me she has a boyfriend. There's a certain formality or numbing knowingness in our interactions, but she's a cool person, and I've taken to calling her "dude" and whatnot to get it into my brain that she's a friend.

She, like, kinda flirts with me? I don't know what's going on. Maybe I'm paranoid, but there's something to this idea. I think she does like me, but can't do anything because she has a boyfriend. But maybe she doesn't.  Sometimes I get to thinking and analyzing in my discursive, protracted way. I've gotten better about causing undue suffering to myself, however, by reminding myself that none of this really matters. i don't need her to be happy.

I've taken to repeating this mantra to myself to prevent myself from extra suffering in cases like these: "Consider what you want versus what you need." Meaning, when I really think about all that I have, in reality, I have everything that I need to be happy. Ancillary attachments are things that I want, in a false belief that they'll make me happy. I can be happy right now, if I remember that I have everything I need as of this moment: food, water, shelter, friends, work, hobbies, and family.

So yeah: going to China, filling out the application. It's gonna be a great time.

I gotta get to class soon. See ya.