may feelings

5/11/15

i like her because i tell stories to myself about her, stories that involved far-flung futures and no debts and manipulating character until there's no one left but me.

when i graduate in june, that'll be it: we won't see each other like this anymore. i can't wait. as it is right now, i can't help falling for her each time we meet and separate. she's on my mind the rest of the day.

love is meant to be selfless and pure and virtuous and generous, but part of me resists all that because i want her. That selfish want which rots in me, releasing toxins, poisoning my blood streams and organ tissue, can't be removed. i'd like her to cut me open and take it out, but she won't because she won't fall in love with me.

if I truly loved her, i'd leave her alone. i'd realize there's no room for me in her life, and that her life is already full of goodness. i never thought a college friend would mean so much. i never thought college would actually end.

but it won't end just yet. i'm going for a Master's. two more years. who will i become?

there's more to me than her; there's more to life than this small worldview i peek through. there are endless vistas yet explored, and new people to meet, and new love to encourage. some situations are helpless, but none are ever hopeless.

goddammit, but why do I obsess over this girl so much? what is it about her that compels an overwhelming comfort and innate familiarity? i feel like i've known her for years, but we only met last winter.

it doesn't matter. we're graduating four weeks from now, and without school, our friendship may wither and sank back into dirt. That's better for me and for her. I can move on if i admit that i love her, and that to love is to give generously and selflessly. to love is to be happy for them, even when they're not being happy with you.

love is hard and unfair. love isn't meant to sustain relationships, but rather focus them. love is spreading yourself beyond reason into loyalty-driven nonsense.

i'd rather her be happy with her boyfriend and job and other friends than to impose on her. accepting that is the only way to move on.

god, where will i be in three years? where will we all be? i hope she's okay. i hope i'm okay. i hope, i hope, i hope it'll all be okay.

i think my world-view is too confined.