Mauve Memories

These mauve memories
hibernate in my mind
like those hand-painted lilac shoes
you gave me two years ago I loved
but forgot about,
until I'm cleaning and find them in mid-January
and decide to wear them one last time before I throw them out;
except these mallow memories can never be thrown out,
but can only be forgotten
and found once again
one day in every winter
blooming in groves against the deep frigid snow.

Across the backyard lawn at the small party

I looked over at you, and I don't know if you knew I was admiring you, or if you knew I was looking at you, right at you, instead of someone else behind you, but if when our eyes struck each other and I could see the beautiful amber of your eyes set in piercing white orbs, and you could see me, a stringy, not too handsome yet not too bad looking, smart, socially inept guy sitting in solitude with his laughing friends who, though not actively searching, sometimes notices someone who could one day be his greatest confidant and life partner, his future wife and other half, his lovely girlfriend, then fiance, then wife; the only other person with whom he could talk with, really talk with, talk with beyond anything he's ever experienced, which is something he knows he could only do with a wonderful girl who loved who he was and who would love him for what he would later become once he finished grad school and left for the peace corps and came back two years later with a completely different outlook on life; who could love him on trips around the world and around the country and around the state and around the city and around the house and around the backyard as he played a goofy life, taking it as serious as it needs to be--which is not very--and only becoming a little less goofy under certain circumstances, never once forgetting to appreciate the tangible colors of reality with a deep breath and a 'thank you' sailing through smiling lips, emanating from a solid pair of lungs that live to skip through life on happy beats of invigorating gratitude; if when our eyes struck each other and you saw me admiring you, it's because at that beat of a second my heart was pulled deeper into my chest and my whole body felt as if it had fallen a hundred feet in two seconds, and I suddenly become conscious of the small breath of air I barely managed to inhale, that I would like to talk to you to get to know you better; you seem like a very interesting, funny, smart, warm, passionate and compassionate human being. But if not, if it wasn't me you were looking at, or if it was me and you're not interested, or if you aren't an interesting, funny, smart, warm, passionate and compassionate human being, then I, an average guy with an extraordinary store of love to give but who is incapable of sharing it with anyone else but his life partner, won't bother you with another glance, although I think you're missing out, really; and even though you may not want to know what a kind, funny, smart, interesting, all-around wonderful individual I am, I want you to know that I saw you tonight under clouded Los Angeles stars and beneath wide, sky-scraping palms next to dozens of buzzed people and through the loud, ripping bass of a DJ; and even though I don't know if you know, it was you--only you--I was looking at.

The Twenty-Story Monster Part 1

I have to fight it. No one has told me this. I just know.

It's about twenty stories tall and ugly and smells like rotten milk. The world around me becomes still and silent. It exhales a deep and low moan. I cover my ears before my head explodes in the upsurge of noise.

It stops but my head keeps swirling. My ears are ringing like I'd just been knocked in the head.

It bellows a huge gust of wind. It's hot, cancerous breath coils around me like a tornado. I gag as I inhale large chunks of green poison up my inflamed nose and into my lungs.

I can't think anymore. It's too hot in here.

I force every part of my body to run. Nothing happens. I push and push against the fatigue in my head and the weariness in my legs. I'm losing consciousness.

I push one more time. My nerves and muscles almost split from the force. This time, I manage to push myself out of the rushing wind and take a huge gulp of clean air.

The monster is large but fast.

It reaches down and yanks me from my arm. I feel something tear and I scream with my entire body.

I faintly hear the sound of rushing wind as I'm pulled two hundred feet up in the air in the span of two seconds. I can't feel my head anymore. My thoughts turn into paste. I'm beyond confusion; there's no relief for this.

It's holding me in front of it's face. I can't keep my eyes open. The pain spewing through my body is too much.

Only now do I realize I'm violently shaking. I'm convulsing like a madman and I can't stop.

It laughs. Honest to God, it laughs at me.

I'm pathetic. I know why its laughing. I'm a pathetic maggot and I deserve to be laughed at.

I can't fight--I'm too weak. I've been struggling too long to fight anything. I'm tired. All I want is rest.

I know I'll finally get it in a few moments though. I'm grateful it'll be over soon.

Positive People

I like positive people,
positive persons providing sunshine to our lives,
sheening fun to our drives,
and silly stamps to our life visas.

Starry Hills

It's Thursday; tomorrow's Friday--
the day for trash pick-up;
ordinary Friday,
picking it's way along the decaying rows of days.

I don't need a jacket
to walk to my cold car.
She turns her engine with a growl,
and asks for a little more rest.

Street lights like blurred memories,
headlights behind me like empty phantoms,
everything driving by, silent
as a mute t.v.

Darkness, lovable darkness,
don't remind me you come once a day;
let's spend our solitary hours
together on the empty fluorescent road.

Aren't starry hills
most beautiful
when covered in darkness?

It's dark and I'm still awake,
like I've always been,
and always will be
like the way she never was.

I enjoy to drive at night,
when streets are clear
and my burdens soft.

Childhood

Childhood is winding down,
winding down,
winding down;
childhood is winding down,
we're now adults.

To Do

What do I do when the sun blares cold nothings, and my wife always watches t.v. in a different room than me, and my kids live in their rooms, and my cat never purrs when I pet him, and my shoulders are always tense like I've been sitting down for a really long time, and my eyes are always dry and hurt whenever I open them after closing them, and my feet feel squished in plastic shoes, and my car's maintenance light is on but it hasn't broken yet, plus I only have $150 in my account, and I feel like having sex is what only a younger version of me did, and it takes me four minutes to pee when in my twenties I could do it on command, and the music I like only plays on oldie stations, and my car doesn't have gas, and my kids are assholes and my wife's ignorant, and I'm always lonely like I'm hungry?

What do I do then?