Deeply Apprehensive

I'm so deeply concerned with my future right now. It feels silly to talk about, and as I'm typing this sentence the sick sensation in my head is starting to dissipate. But nonetheless, I'm feeling very strange and nostalgic. Except it's the opposite of nostalgia, because instead of looking back I'm imagining forward. For some reason it's disheartening, like I'll never be happy again. Is this why so many people are unhappy with their lives when they reach middle age? Because they failed to achieve the visions of life they had when they were twenty?

I think it's mostly apprehension that's startling me. I don't know what kind of future I have, but I'm terrified it'll disappoint me. What are these feelings? So many people have failed to bring contentment into their lives that I'm afraid of living another day. Not every thing will go as expected, nor should they because it may not be what we need. But I at least want to find meaning to my life.

Know what it's like? It's like a dreary afternoon where you don't have anything to do but sit in your room and think. You've stopped being so busy that you finally have time to relax into the moment, and when you do you realize that something's not right, and you don't know what it is or when it happened because you were too busy to see. It's like a dreary afternoon inside me.