it's okay. i haven't lost anything. i have time and youth and hope. i must have faith that someone will one day love me for who i am.

those infatuations disappear; they don't exist anymore, not even in our heads. they're vapor; life blows; wind continuously circulates, circumvents. is it enough that i can move on? what if i hurt ana? i don't hurt her, i can't hurt her, because her life is dug-in, settled, and i'm trapped in hollow updrafts.

like kanye says, "keep ya love locked down. you lose."

i guess i'm moving slower than usual. endings always get me down like this - especially when ana's involved. i remember, last spring, when i first met her, i sat outside in the backyard after our final - and the last time i would see her. my parents were renovating the living room back then, and the old blue couch sectional was uncovered. it was sunset, and i faced the fleeting yellows and colorful lights down to the end. i felt content back then; tired, at peace, but i never felt turmoiled. that's not true: even then, it felt like loss.

it's important to get over stuff like this, move on and such. really, i should have moved on months again when she showed no interest in me. as i talked to her more, hung out with her more at school this quarter, i realized how serious and settled and happy she was in her relationship. it was like an engagement, like a marriage. last friday, she called her boyfriend's brother her brother-in-law. i imagine ana's relationship like i imagine mitchel and sandi's; that is, two people who have known and cared for each other for years. they know so much about the inner ticks and vibrations of the other. they have done so much together, gone out to places and made so many memories, that they have fallen in tight-knit love. their love story is the kind i want. ana's boyfriend and ana have fallen for each other as much as I wanted to fall in love with ana -- only their love is real, and therefore better and more compact and focused and satisfying.

it's unfair of me to want love with ana when she already has it with another.

i wished she could have given me more. i wish things were different, that we were possible.

i have faith in love and in myself. i have to; otherwise, i wouldn't be able to live with myself. i feel too unstable, insecure, fearful, a mess.

there can be no satisfaction to the litany of wants coursing through me. whoever i want is gonna hurt me; whatever i want isn't going to make me happy. the quality of my life depends upon my choices and actions, not wholly the company i keep.

i'm content to sit on couches and watch sunsets. if anyone wants to join me, i'm okay with that. i'm trying to live my life. make something worthwhile before i die.

tonite, to make myself feel better, i think i'll cry. there's no shame in that; it's a sort of release. i always feel worse the same day i see her. i typically get better 2 or three days afterward.

ana calling me dude and man. she's so fragile, so loyal. i wish the best for her love. ironically, its the only way i can still believe love exists and endures.