Departure

Why don't I hug her?
Why can't I love her?
Criss-crossed and mis-matched

*

Joys of life
A deep inside fear
An emptiness waiting to be filled by death

*

I want to wear comfy black hoodies
I want a job which doesn't consume the fun of life everywhere in my body
I want independence from family & friends
I want a trim haircut
I want to choose my wife, choose when to have kids, and choose a home
I want to understand the famous works of writers and historical people
I want detachment from defensiveness, anger, ego, and aggression
I want to work hard
     I want that all-consuming, biting, itching desire to work
I want to create - with humor, thoughtfulness, and emotional catharsis
I want to ignore the drones of the ordinary, and find the real humanness of people
I want to uplift nice people, live next to good people
I want to stand clear from cultural revolutions - so I don't lose my humanness
I want to find and absorb art that causes an emotional reaction within me
I want to drop out of society - because society cannot be civilized
I want to create and disseminate - to change people's lives for the better
I want to stay fit and strong to enjoy life's active moments
I want to read in my own home
I want to work everyday - and avoid leisure as much as possible
I want a clean home, clean rooms, clean floors, washed and fresh bedsheets
I want to cook for myself
I do not want to smoke
I do not want to binge on alcohol
I do not want to associate with hard drugs or the lifestyle
I want to discard reputations, and fulfill commitments
I want to be ready to die at any moment
I want to wear t-shirts and jeans
I'd like good health well into old age
I'd like to breath deeply more often
I'd like to treat people with friendship
I'd like to find something worth living for, grab it, and do my best not to let go
I'd like to not die with regrets

*

Sometimes I realize death is the final end of life, and the stripping away of consciousness terrifies me.

People enjoy living. People are scared to die. Death is the end of all of us. Nothing nor no one can change our end.

Maybe if we live well, have a good time, and love and take care of the people who love us back, we'd pass away a lot easier.

And then commitments to reality turn us back. Shortcomings block progression. The courses of others cut our own. We fail.

*

Cotton dress
Button-down brown pants
Young and in love
Like fish in a pond

*

Cry because you're hurt
Cry to get away
Move your body
To get out of the truly
Endless cycles

*

Let people live their lives. Keep fantasy away from a paradigm.

*

[doggerel that I like]

Soft and spoken
Like an elegant-scented
Crystal prism bath
Carried further than a line
Caught between two growing lies
Spread default canyon soaking overseas
Without cause, a harmless breeze
Shifts the moon ninety degrees
Hollows-out shopping sprees
Leaflets polluting blue-white skies
Woman resting on your thighs
Hugs and ammo, secret yellow
Tore a cloth, ripped seams
Yellow blankets, Christmas dreams
Silent dawn, midnight yellow
Raise a flag, raise a flag
Clap for another man
Sweat drip in your eyes
Wiped with an orange tee
Split a bottle of forty ounce
Drink so hard you throw up
Take the hose, turn it on
Fill up on preferred people

*

She gets up
Those boys get down
Hopeless birds
Follow her around
I say that's enough
And storm out of the crowd
Wait outside
Sit on the ground

*

I haven't been posting much because I'm fed up. Mostly I'm fed up with the status quo.

School begins this Thursday, and it marks the beginning of a new life. I know I cannot continue on here as I have before, because now is the most important time in my life so far. I cannot waste time. I cannot fail anymore.

I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I want.

I want to learn the complicated theories of writers and explorers. I want the full breadth of human understanding. I want everything the past can give to me.

My posting will be limited indefinitely. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

I said earlier that I'm fed up with the status quo. I'm frustrated by meaningless straying from my life of purpose. I want to grow, and mature, and fill my head with knowledge. I want to become a better version of myself. I want to grow up, and find areas of life I don't even know about. I want to stand for something, by myself. I want a really good life of exploration, hard work, and fulfillment. I want meaning. I want something deeper.

Dying terrifies me. I don't want to die. One day I will. I want to be happy to die. I want to die peacefully. At least I can try to change that.

That's all.

*

"As for me, I throw myself into my work and keep an eye peeled for silver lunch trucks, and I remember. I sometimes walk in the rain without an umbrella. When I see change on the sidewalk, I leave it there. If no one's looking, I drop a quarter. I feel guilty when I buy a card from Hallmark. I listen for mockingbirds.

"I read the newspapers. I read them from all over. I skip the front pages and headlines and go to the pages in back. I read the community sections and the fillers. I see little acts of kindness happening from Maine to California. I read of a man in Kansas City who stands at a busy intersection every morning and waves at the people driving to work. I read of a little girl in Oregon who sells lemonade in front of her house for five cents a cup - and offers a free back scratch to every customer.

"When I read about things like these I wonder, Is she there? I wonder what she calls herself now. I wonder if she's lost her freckles. I wonder if I'll ever get another chance. I wonder, but I don't despair. Though I have no family of my own, I do not feel alone. I know that I am being watched. The echo of her laughter is the second sunrise I awaken to each day, and at night I feel it is more than starts looking down on me. Last month, one day before my birthday, I received a gift-wrapped package in the mail. It was a porcupine necktie."