how are you? august 6. now august 7.

I feel like i have nothing to talk about. Like, I haven't done anything worth talking about. I've been home all day. I guess i could talk about how I have nothing to talk about, but that's too much for me. too, whatever. boring, i guess.

i feel sick. not mentally, physically. i have a cold. my throat is sore, and i have a runny nose.

i don't feel like i can move around my house anymore. the guy rebuilding the kitchen is here all day, and then there's less space in the living room, and i feel like i can't relax anywhere anymore. and it's driving me a little crazy.

my mom is kind of weird. she doesn't want to leave the guy working in our house by himself, so if she's going out, she'll make sure to tell me to keep an eye on him. she locks the doors to her bedroom, and to my sisters room. (we live in a single story house, by the way.)

my mom is weird. she never goes anywhere without make-up. even if she's going out for a walk - she'll get up fifteen minutes earlier to put on make-up.

not that i'm judging or anything. it's just unnecessary to me.

i try not to judge other people. it's gotten easier for me, because usually i just ignore other people. haha. i do subconsciously sometimes. i can be really, really mean to people, and i don't like that about myself. i make a lot of jokes at peoples' expense.

i think about the next few years, and i think, 'yeah, i wonder what will happen?' you know, anything can happen in two years. it's exciting to me. like, it makes you feel anxious and worried, yet also eager to see what will happen.

a lot of the time, i want good things to happen to me even though they have no reason for happening. like getting good grades is a big example of that. in school, i was like, 'study? nah. let's watch another episode of American Dad!' friendships are another thing. 'my friends will invite me to hang out this friday, no worries.' and when they don't, 'what the hell? why didn't anyone text me?'

um, this post is really introspective. that's what happens when you sit at home all day.

not true. i went out around 11 am to a lawnmower shop. my dad wanted me to take an old lawnmower bag to get replaced. when i got there, the little shop was empty. 5 minutes later, there were about 5 or 6 customers waiting and talking.

there was this woman, probably in her late 40s, mid 50s, who went in to get these big yellow shears fixed. she smiled at me when she walked in. she seemed like she wanted to talk, because she kept looking over at me, and tried starting a conversation by saying, in spanish, "it's hot today, isn't it?" "yes." "it's hotter in here than it is outside." "yes." that's when the person behind the counter came back with her yellow shears. the woman told the person working there that her husband had died, and that she had to do all the yard work herself. that made me sad. geez, and she seemed so young too. when you hear that someone's husband or wife died, you kind expect them to be 70 or 80 years old, not 40. it's too young. people shouldn't die that young.

i need to get out more. you know what i'd like to do? find a club or something and talk to people with similar interests as me. i tried joining the poetry and writing club at school a few times. i think i wrote about it a couple of years ago. i don't know if it's worth looking it up. nah, it's not.

side note: two years ago. . . my blog doesn't even feel like mine. i'm not the same person from two years ago. similarities, yes; the same, no. i can't even remember writing anything from two years ago. it's a lifetime.

joining the poetry and writing club didn't really work out so well. as it turns out, i don' really like writers. haha. i mean other writers. to be fair, i generally don't like being around people anyway. but there are certain types of people i don't like in particular. there are some exceptions, i know, but the writer type i encountered at my school was specifically annoying to me. egocentric, either genuinely or, more often, attempted to act eccentric, talkative (opposite of me), constantly making jokes which could be funny, but more times than not, were not. those were the social writer types. Oh, and by the way, not particularly writing good stuff, but that's not fair, because i'm not a master or expert at writing either, so. . . only a slight annoyance. plus, they usually thought their writing was hot stuff, which i admit sometimes it was, but more often than not it wasn't. which annoyed me, because i then realized i acted the same way, and my stuff wasn't too hot either.

those were the social writers. then there were the quiet ones - usually woman, usually small, usually looking down a lot. these types didn't annoy me as much, but they were the minority that i knew. they were also the ones reading all the time - the "real" writer types, i want to say. like, the ones who find peace and expression in writing, and not the ones who like the image of writer more than writing (coughhypocrisycough).

other types of people i generally don't like: theater people, and band people. the former because they're weirdly open people - too open; the latter because of the bad experience i had the year i was in marching band.

have i told you about my bad expereince in marching band my freshman year of high school?

other side note: i feel like i talk about high school too much. it's like, move on already. i guess i still have some lingering feelings about it. . . ? i'll try to get past this. it's just that i've never told anyone about all these things before. i'm usually so flippant and irreverent in real life that people never know my true thoughts.

high school marching band: from what i can remember. i remember the summer before, learning how to march, going to school every day, seeing all these new people. it felt like everyone already knew each other. none of my friends from middle school band were in the same high school as me, so i felt really out of place.

'why didn't you try making new friends?' you may ask. in my experience, band people can be cool, nice people; but they can also be very selfish and arrogant. and it's not even really that that was the issue with making new friends. it was more to due with my own low level of self-confidence, my poor social skills, and my weakened social circle. it seems easier to make friends, when you've already got some friends.

that summer wasn't too great. then school started. i remember going to tournaments, how i wouldn't even talk to anyone as i was dressing, how no one spoke to me on the bus, how the only people to speak to me during competitions were the people in my section (saxophone). i also remember the excitement and thrill right before a performance in front of a crowd. that was fun. yet, the isolation and lonely feelings i had inside made me realize that i didn't have a single friend in the 100 people in marching band. and when you're supposed to act like a team with 100 other people, and none of those people want to hang out with you, it's hard to have fun. you could say that maybe i didn't try or put the effort in to know people, and maybe there's a bit of truth to that, but i didn't feel that way. and i still don't. i tried talking to people. i tried hanging around other people. i tried finding a group to hang out, and joke around with. i tried fitting in. and i couldn't. it never happened. maybe it was my fault, for my weak socializing. i can understand that. that doesn't mean that i still wasn't lonely.

further memories: i remember some people in my middle school band were there; not exactly friends, but people i was friendly with. i remember how uncool i thought they were in middle school. then i remember how popular they became in marching band. and i thought, How? like i said, it seemed that everyone already knew each other, people were in relationships already, small groups had already been made. and there i was, sitting with no one in particular during band camp, waiting for  people to look at me, watching the other people talking on the bus and in class. i had no one to talk to, no one to be with.

that's the real reason i quit.

People/Things That Make Me Happy:
The Ricky Gervais Show, Karl Pilkington
the album Substance by New Order
finishing a book
having written something that day
a good night of d&d
having someone who understands your sense of humor - that's the worst, i think, when someone doesn't think you're funny.
making my sister laugh, my sister
cold weather
blog comments
when a stranger gives you a sincere little smile
the ambition of one day living in my own apartment, house
driving my car

Two more quick things: I finished A Streetcar Named Desire; I think I have ringworm on my forehead. (I'm just a fountain of good health, aren't I?)


PS: sorry for typos, poor grammar, wonky sentences, and incompletely paragraphs. i don't feel like editing right now.