Self-confidence and my voice; "You better get there before I get there."

A lot of the time, I don't feel like a poet or a writer, and consequently, I don't feel like my poetry or writing is any good.

I don't say this because I want people to reassure me my stuff is good, and to tell me all writers feel self-doubt once in a while; I really don't want people to think this is that kind of plea. I'm saying this because it's becoming a bigger problem when I write.

My biggest concern is finding my voice. If you ask me, I don't have a voice in my writing. I don't know how to find my voice either. Everything I write, from my blogposts to chicken-scratch words I write on scraps of paper, everything feels...phony. I don't remember the last time I wrote something that I've felt was really worth reading. Nothing I write comes from me. It all feels generic and uninspired and stupid.

As a student in a poetry class, I'm exposed to a bit of stuff from my peers. And although some of it is junk, there's a few people in my class who are just bad-ass poets. One in particular, whom I'll call Hydrogen, has written stuff that knocks me out. Her words, her subject matter: these things are definitely Hydrogen. There's no mistaking her voice for another. I'm astounded by how clear and comfortable her words sound, yet at the same time, how easily they seem to lay on the page.

I'm jealous, I'll admit that. I get uncomfortable when others are praised and my work is unmentioned; I'll admit that too. But these things wouldn't matter, I think, if only I were able to find my voice and keep it close to me. Keep it to remember. Keep it for keeps. I think once I'm content with my voice, I'll be happy to just write and watch as others take the spotlight.