"I'm not counting anymore"

I'm going to my uncle's wedding. At least, it's sort of like a wedding. They're already married - have been, actually, for five years. They're getting married by the church, though. Which is surprising, because I thought they already married in the church. I don't follow the lives of my family very closely.

Rude people at Subway yesterday. When you're waiting for your order, you're supposed to line up to the right - at least away from the in-progress sandwich line. These people walked to the middle of the sandwich line and stayed there. When the lady asked who was next in line, I had to raise my hand and say me. Then  I gave these people a hard stare. The guy said, "Go ahead," like I was offering him to order ahead of me. Fat chance. They didn't even move when my sandwich was being made. That really annoyed me. Fuck those people.

I ran into that Chinese lady again yesterday. The really nice one who said I was handsome. She said I was handsome again. Haha. She also patted me on the head three times. Really hard pats.

She was encouraging me to go to school and do well. She made a good point too. She said, using China as an example, that poor people in China come to America willing to do any job available to the lowest working class. They have children, and those children can go to school. "And it doesn't matter who  parents are," she said, "the children have the opportunity to climb up social ladder to the top by going to school. From the bottom to the top in one generation," she emphasized. I agreed.

My father was watering her backyard, and pulled the hose awkwardly. A pot fell and broke. The lady said, "Don't worry about it, is okay." She was laughing. "I have that pot for twenty years, it's time I throw it out anyway." She saw that made my dad feel worse, so she said, "Don't worry, is okay." Then she started talking about getting my dad the business of the apartments across the street, but one of the tenants told her not to because their landlord was a frustrating, unreasonable person. The lady said, "I say, 'No, I don't want my gardener to have to argue with him. I like my gardener!'" And she laughed.

My friend from San Francisco burned me some CDs. This was one of the artists.

"Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Destroy the Evidence"

Wrong Side of the Century

When you look into someone's eyes, and you see quietness.
When you piece together the strings, and you feel a bit of who they are.
When people have utility, and no pleasure.
When people look for meaning in the world.
When you're a teenager, and you want all these things to happen. Then they don't.
When you feel stuck in one mindset, one series of setbacks, one attitude.
Your eyes, they're quiet.
They're searching for utility. They're searching for something to do.
Desires and wants. Eagerness.
Ambiguity of  kinda wrong.
Ambiguity of okay.
After so much talk, we're left dry of words, our selves come out. Our feelings remain.
And I'm lonely. I'm lonely in a quiet place.
At 22, you're meant to be lonely. But that's not what I was taught by TV and movies.
My eyes are quiet, too.
But they can still see.
I can't look inside anymore.
I want inside your eyes. I want inside your thoughts.
A swirl of desires and unspoken wants.
The yearning is struggle.
Struggle will not end.
Okay?
Who decided what I want?

22 Miles Into the Mountains

We went to this place called Crystal Lake in the Angeles National Forest. It's 22 miles into the San Gabriel Mountains, up highway 39.

A wildfire burned much of the forest a few years ago. Recently, they've begun to open some areas again. You see remnants of burnt trees, ashen logs, bare and dry landscape.

The mountain is recovering, slowly.

 

Crystal Lake, CA
8-22-13
3:15 PM

A and I just returned from trying to split a stump in half. We were scavenging wood while M and C slept in the tent.

We spent forty-five minutes in the sun trying to split a stump. We were smashing small rocks into cracks in the wood. We already did it with a smaller, more brittle stump. This one was a bigger, thicker piece of solid wood. We tried everything to split it open. There was a piece of rebar lying around some broken parking blocks. Even the steel bent when we tried prying the wood with it. We tried throwing it against big sharp rocks. It took the both of us to pick it up and throw it. It still wouldn't crack.

There was a dry riverbed nearby. We tossed the stump in there and it fell six feet onto jagged rock. Still not any significant damage.

Finally, we were exhausted and didn't know what else to do, so we threw rocks at it, and kicked it. . .

Crystal Lake.

Alongside.

He skipped stones for the first time.

A little amphitheater.

The amphitheater had road access. We cut through the empty parking lot and followed the road back to highway 39. As we were walking, we saw these:

New saplings. Grow big and strong, you guys!

"After fire and years of drought, Crystal Lake re-earns its name."

 

The End!

Back From Camping

Will post pictures later. Maybe video? Hmm.

The Day Before I Go Camping

Just a recap of my day. Nothing too big.

There weren't any water bottles in the house, so I had to go to the supermarket at 9 pm to get some. A surprising amount of people shopping at night.

I was at the store buying food with friends today. You know, camping food such as chips, chocolate, booze. Just kidding, no booze. Anyway, we were at the check-out line when the cashier says, "Oh. Yeah, this woman accidentally bought some of your stuff." We were like, What? "Are these your things?" the cashier asked. They were ours. "This woman accidentally bought some of your things. That's why you put the rubber down." What happened was that we had put the rubber bar down after the lady's things, but before the cashier finished checking-out everything, we had picked it up and moved it behind the rest of our things. The cashier seemed a bit annoyed. My friend said to me, "Why is she being so mean to us?" But she wasn't being mean, not really. She was annoyed, definitely, and a bit condescending. I said, "It's okay. Guys, it's okay." I felt like the only adult in my group of friends who reacted appropriately to the accidental situation. It also helped that the lady who bought our things was very, very nice about it, and she perfectly understood the whole thing was an accident. She seemed embarrassed more than angry; she was smiling sheepishly a lot. The lady had to go to customer service to clear the charges on her card, and my other friend had to go with her. After that had been settled, the cashier seemed to relax. We chatted for a bit, friendly even, and that was that.

Packing all these things for camping is really tiresome.

Deadlifted today. New personal record (I think) of 245 lbs. That was cool.

I had a text conversation with someone really cool today. I've known her for years, yet I've never had a direct conversation with her. She's wonderfully special, quite weird, and really cute. She's just about the sweetest thing in the world, and despite her struggles in life, she makes the best of what she has. At her core, a lovely, lively human being. I think you'd like her.
 
It's strange, but I'm not really good at text conversation. Why is that strange? I don't know. Considering my levels of social skills, it shouldn't be surprising.

The only time I text is when I'm planning something with my friends, or when I'm confirming plans. I don't know how to converse with text. It feels like I force everything.

Communicating with people is weird. The method of communication can dictate the boundaries of connection, and when that changes, the connection must adapt to fit the new methods of communication. Otherwise, what? I don't know. Rather, I don't want to really think about it.

This method of communication - blogging - is only one way to get to know somebody. Any worthwhile communication takes time and patience. For me, I try my best to improve - slowly, but surely.

Okay With Life

When my life hits dull periods, I wonder if that's because life is dull a lot of the time, or because my life is dull a lot of the time.

Didn't go paintballing Saturday because my uncle couldn't make it. Wasn't too upset about it.

I hung out with my friend from San Francisco on Friday. We went to the A - you know, that hiking trail with the cross. That was pretty fun. We talked about music a lot, since he's into Do It Yourself music, and what might be considered the modern punk scene in LA and SF. He makes a lot of music, records it himself, makes tapes himself, then distributes and promotes himself. So we talked about that for most of the time.

Then we went to his house to play D&D. He seemed really eager to play, but what ended up happening was that no one really paid attention to the game, and even ignored him sometimes.

People were going to sleep over his house because his family was out of town. I couldn't - or rather I didn't really want to - mainly because I had to work with my dad the next morning. (I've never slept over a friend's house before, and I've never had a sleepover at my house before. My mom would never let me when I was younger - not that I had many invitations from friends in elementary school. Maybe some from middle school.)

I told him I had written some songs while he was away, and was hoping he could take a look at them. I didn't want to sing or play them, because I can't sing or play an instrument with any finesse. However, I thought it'd be cool if they were played. I brought them over in a yellow notepad. At the beginning of the night, I handed the notepad over to him, and he put it in the kitchen. As I was leaving, I didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him (or anyone, really; they're kind of more personal than I'm comfortable with in real life), so I picked up the notebook and told him we'd look over them later. His face was like a battered puppy's when I said that. "But I was going to read them," he said quietly. He'd just gotten high, too. His eyes were wet, and his face was soft. "We'll go over it some other day," I said. He didn't respond. Then he said, "Okay." I left soon afterwards.

- - - - - - - - -

I have about a month until school starts. How am I going to fill that time?

I find myself bored more often than lonely these days. I wish I had something to do. Something fun, and exciting, and that made me feel productive. I have no idea what that is. It's just something I wish.

I think life is boring most of the time. Not just because I'm out of school; not just because I don't have a job. I think we get into these routines when we're older, and we stick to them for years. We resist change because we don't have the energy to do something different. We're not young 20-somethings anymore; we're older people, with a mortgage and three kids, and a couple of cars and dogs. How can we change what we're doing? We could wreck our entire life that way.

Marriage seems like really hard work.

I'm not ready for marriage. I don't know when I will be. Is it like a sudden change in a man? Does he feel the desperate need to start a family? Does he decide over the course of a serious relationship? How do women decide when to get married? Women are under more pressure to marry younger than men, I think. That is, if they want kids. I don't envy women for having kids. It seems like the roughest nine months of your life - not to mention the years of child-raising that follows. Marriage and kids is too real for me right now. It's too overwhelming, too permanent a lifestyle, which is why I'm not ready. It seems that once you have kids and get married - that's it, your life is set.

And then things like divorce can mess everything up.

Once this day is over, it's one day closer to death. I'm not in a rush or anything, though. I just want to find something good in my life - something to hold on to.

The Things I dream about:
I dream about a healthy, loving marriage.
I dream about a high-paying career
I dream about a home - a lovely house in a quiet place
I dream about visiting cities - NY, SF, Chicago, Seattle, London, Paris - with my wife.
I dream about nights at home - my own home
I dream about when I'll meet my wife - will she be in one of my classes, a friend of a friend? Will I know right away? What will she look like?
I dream about the unerring self-assurance middle-age brings.
I dream about the future course of my life.
I dream about my death, and will I have resigned myself at it's moment? Will I be okay with my life to release it?
I dream about changing lives with writing. I dream about creating literature like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Salinger.
I dream about a quiet, prosperous life.


If I had to describe how I felt right now, I'd say I felt: Okay with life.

university orientation: it was a good day

Most i've interacted, socialized in months. felt soo good.
comfortable more than ever. trust my voice won't crack or strain.
rainbow bracelet from lgbtq club. club mailing lists. one for volunteer services in the community. another to decorate our rose parade float. lgbtq.
signed-up for a Christian bible study club. to learn more. smiled. would i have ever signed-up if i didn't know you?
some social failures and miscues. next time i'll get it right. won't stop trying.
walked around a lot. lots of power point slides.
bad photo ID. in spite of appearances, I don't wear lipstick.
so baking hot. direct sun splitting my skin.
perhaps join production of theater department? perhaps search for internships.
registered full-time.
teriyaki chicken at lunch.

Thoughts:
It was fun. I had more fun than I expected. Most of the day wasn't exciting. It was a lot of standing in line, sitting down, listening to people speaking, and walking around. I didn't make any friends, or really talk to people much. I was just by myself most of the time, which was okay. I normally don't mind being alone when other people are alone, too. (However, when everyone else is together and I'm the only person alone - that's when I get uncomfortable.)

The tour guide was younger than me, which was funny. I felt like I was older than a lot of people there, which probably wasn't true. But at 22, i kind of did feel out of place. it's like, "dude, you're supposed to be graduated already. what are you doing here?" But these feelings were small, and didn't really bother me. Most of this age-gap weirdness was probably only in my head.

What's done is done. let's move on. i can succeed. i can make it happen.

a weird thing popped into my mind. our tour guide was a tall, lanky white guy, about 19 years old, and wore those sunglasses with neon-colored sides. I thought, while looking at him, "Man, he's a pretty good-looking guy. I bet a lot of girls think he's really cute or handsome." I started to feel bad about myself. But then I caught myself and stopped. "Why am I comparing myself to this guy?" Why does it matter to me if girls think he's good-looking? You know? He's who he is, I'm who I am, and that's all. I can't change the way I look. I can't help it if people don't think I'm attractive. It's totally out of my reach, away from my control. Why worry myself and feel badly about it? If someone thinks I'm attractive, they'll think I'm attractive. I'm me. I can only be me. You know? This is who I am. Accept me or don't; I won't be bothered.

I really like this new place. This new life that's just beginning. Is that over-dramatic? I don't think so, since this is such a big change for me.

after lunch, we registered for classes. there were only about five other people in my major at orientation. i met my adviser. she seemed nice enough. then i had to get my ID photo taken. i talked to this couple standing in line behind me. the girl, who had dyed red hair, was one of the five in my major. she had her boyfriend with her. they were both overweight. he had really short curly hair. they were nice. i could tell the boyfriend seemed weary of me talking to his girlfriend. we started talking when he was away for a minute on his cell phone. when he got back, he immediately placed his hand on her shoulder, as if to say, "Hey, buddy. She's mine." But I talked more  to him, and it turned out he had a bachelor's in English. so we talked about that for a bit. then things kinda got awkward, and that was the end of that.

the last thing we did was walk through this room where a bunch of club representatives were stationed. this was really fun, actually. i thought it would be really hard, but the people were so nice and welcoming. i felt comfortable immediately. so that was nice. oh, and i also won a free t-shirt for spinning a wheel prize thing.

it was a nice, tiring, fun day. i feel more confident than ever in myself, in my own abilities to succeed. i feel like i'm putting some of my biggest failures and losses behind me. it really does feel like a new, healthy, strong start to my life. It feels like I'm growing up.