End of November

Since it's the last day of the month, I figured I'd post something.

I don't have a whole lot to say. Most of what comes up I write in my diary. And if not there, I just forget it.

I've made some friends at school. We form a study group. They're nice. Sometimes I feel detached from them because I realize I'm only a secondary character in their lives. Sometimes I feel like a road stop on their way to wherever it is they're going. Then that doesn't feel good.

I feel incapable of getting any goddamn work done. I'm sick of it. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm undisciplined. I'm complacent. I'm whatever, whatever, whatever. I just wanna work, get things done, get them over with.

This week and next I have so much work to do. I'm overwhelmed. I can't form complete thoughts.

I'm lonely. Everyone's doing their own thing; I'm over here doing mine. I don't feel accomplished like one does when one pursues their interests. I don't feel autonomous.

Am I dependent on others to the point of dissatisfaction with my life? Why do I need other people to relate to?

I know I'll feel better in two weeks, after finals are over. I know this is a passing phase. I know, but the knowing doesn't ease the anxiety. Worries today last forever, never go away. I can't wait until tomorrow; I'm impatient and want solutions now.

One of my friends is married. Her name's Mel. I'm attracted to her. She loves her husband. Her husband loves her. He has tattoos of her--big ones. She has life problems--complicated ones. She's depressed. She comes from an addict mother and absent father. She says I'm one of two positive people in her life right now (the other being her husband). Do I get high off her friendliness? What's the point if I do? Can't I befriend her for goodness and love in spirit?

I asked a girl if she had a boyfriend. She's in two of my classes. She's part of the study group. She has a boyfriend.

Why does having a girlfriend even matter? It won't help me.

I think about my sister constantly getting texts from her boyfriend. Will that make me happy: getting texts from someone? Talking to someone through digital messages makes people happy?

Or do I desire sexual appeasement? If so, how can I justify befriending anybody without having an ulterior motive? Motive is always present.

I'm gonna try to get on with my life. The only way I know how to do that is to focus on school. School isn't my life, but doing well will go far in taking me where I want to go. I can't wait at the road stop any longer. Soon everyone's gonna leave . I'll be alone again as before. Not alone exactly: it's more like left behind.

There's no one here; everybody's gone. I might as well go too.