Holy crap. I'm going on a date this Sunday. How did that happen?

Any first date tips? I've never been on a date before. We're going to the movies.

A smattering of thoughts about spirituality

So here's what's been on my mind lately. I've been thinking about spirituality. What does it mean? What is it? Can it help me in my life? The way I see it, my life is divided into three components: my physical body, my intellectual powers, and my spirituality. I work out my body constantly by lifting weights and swimming. I try to read as often as I can to improve my mind; and plus, I'm currently going to college. But spirituality is the one area where I commit no time to improving. And I think my life is starting to suffer because of it.

In a way, I think, spirituality is a means of organizing ones mind, concerting ones will in an effort to move from a lower stage in life to a higher stage in life.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about a specific religion when I talk about spirituality. I think this effect or power or whatever is found the world over. Three examples immediately came to my mind: 1.) Christians visiting the birth site of Jesus Christ in Bethlehem; 2.) Hindus bathing in the Ganges River for purification; 3.) Buddhists meditating under the same type of tree Siddhārtha Gautama sat under when he reached Enlightenment. In my opinion, all of these offer a version of spirituality. Each one depicts an effort to improve oneself. The christian means to become closer to Christ by making pilgrimage to a holy site; the Hindu performs a ritual part of his/her religion that has been practiced for thousands of years; the Buddhist is focused on attaining a higher level of consciousness. So spirituality isn't just reserved for one religion; it is found in many religions.

But what is it? Personally, I've concluded it's a means of directing ones will or consciousness to the improvement of one's mind and life. It has been said by your parents that you are capable of doing anything. Well, this might be true, but only under certain conditions. I believe spirituality is the key to this. Spirituality requires control over ones self, while simultaneously giving up ones individuality to join a greater force--human or supernatural. For instance, Christians often pray to God for thanks, for help, or for comfort. They are focusing their lives, examing themselves, and then offering themselves to the power of God. Prayer, I have concluded, is not a religious act but a spiritual one. Obviously I'm generalizing a lot, but I think there's something to all of this. Meditation is another effort of spirituality. For Buddhists, meditation is one way of moving towards Enlightenment. But it is also good for clearing ones thoughts and I believe there are also additional health benefits.

I'm just thinking that spirituality is not necessarily linked to religion, and that as a non-believer of any religion myself, I'm beginning to think I need to become more spiritual. Spirituality, as I see it, is the effort of introspection and striving for critical insight into one's mind, life, and society. I believe I currently lack the self-control, self-discipline, and will power gained through practice of spirituality. I therefore believe I'd like to include prayer and meditation in my life more often.

Yes, I believe prayer can help you even if you don't believe in God. What am I praying to if I don't believe in God? Perhaps I'll use it as a time of reflection. I'll remind myself of everything I'm grateful for; I'll wish other people well. I'll do anything, really, that you would do if you were reflecting on your life. But my hands will be held together and I'll be kneeling very quietly.

Is this stupid? Do you really think so?

Thoughts for today

I think it would be nice to hang out with a girl. I'm trying to think of a way to make this not sound creepy or weird, but I can't. And I know I shouldn't really care since these are my personal, honest feelings.

Anyway, I think it would be nice to hang out with a girl. Not only have I never had a girlfriend in my life, but I've never really had any friends who were girls either. In elementary school I had some, but everything changed after puberty.

I've never really hung out with any girls. I don't count my sister or cousins or anyone in my family. I mean someone who is a friend and who also happens to be a girl. Are girls really so different than guys? I think she'd have to be a tomboy or something because I can't stand super girly girls.

Is it a comfort thing? Have I yet to meet a girl who feels comfortable enough around me to be my friend and hang out?

Is it a confidence thing? Am I so insecure that I can't be around the opposite sex?

Does everything have to lead to sex? No, no, of course not. It shouldn't, I mean. But it's kind of hard for me right now to think of anything else. Truthfully, when I see a hot girl my brain shuts down everything else and focuses only on sex. It's kind of hard to explain if you're not a guy (or that kind of girl, I guess). In a lot of ways, and for many guys, the saying "guys only have one thing on their mind" is pretty true. Does that sound mean or crude? Well, I think it's true, and deserves to be exposed. When I see a hot girl, my first thoughts aren't, "Gee, I really want to know more about her interests and hopes and dreams," or, "God, I would love to marry her!" They're more like, "Holy shit, she's hot. Goddamit, she's hot. Fuck, she's so fucking hot." And then I try to figure out a way to talk to her so eventually we could have sex. Of course, not all guys are like this, and a lot of guys actually do want to know more about a girl they like, but like I said: for many guys, this is true. (Maybe just young guys like me?)

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah! I think it would be pretty cool and nice and fun to hang out with a girl. Not so I can have sex. That's not what I mean at all. It's not an eventually to have sex thing. I mean just to hang out--like friends. Just to walk around the block or something and make observations about what we see and to make jokes and to look at her and think about how pretty she is. When you're with a pretty girl, boy, does the world look a whole lot better. You get a huge feeling of pride right inside your chest. Maybe that's barberic or something; I don't know. (I guess the pretty part means I want to be more than friends? I mean, I don't walk around with my guy friends and think about how handsome they look.)

Would it matter to me if she was ugly? I don't know. I think so. But then again, what if she had a really attractive, witty, smart, beautiful personality? Girls can't be pretty all the freaking time. But as long as she was pretty to me, you know? Like, her personality and face were really, really nice. Hmm. But isn't it natural to prefer good-looking people over average or even ugly people? I think so. I'd like to think I'm above this kind of judgement, and hopefully one day I will be. But right now looks kind of do matter. Not too much, but they do. Even though this is so obvious it's stupid, I admit that I like pretty girls.

I guess I just want someone to share my life with and to talk to and go places with and support and love and care for. And, yeah, sex would be great too, but it wouldn't be the main reason we were together. It would be nice and sweet, I think.

What I think I'm ultimately leading up to here is a girlfriend who is also a true friend and someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Yeah. A girlfriend.

New Years 2013

Yesterday, my family and I (excluding my brother because he was at work) went to visit some extended family. In Southern California, you can pretty much get anywhere using the 10, 210, 60, or 5 freeways. These are the ones that cut across from the ocean through Los Angeles and all the way to the desert and beyond. I hadn't seen my aunt and uncle (tia and tio) in about 5 years, and hadn't visited their house in about 10 years. They live about 40 minutes away, too; hardly a long drive.

We visited my aunt and uncle, and our older cousins. The aunt we visited is my dads older sister. We don't visit my dads side of the family often. I don't know why. I get uncomfortable around them because they speak Spanish--most don't know English--and my Spanish skills are severely weak. Like, I can ask for the bathroom and communicate basic feelings, but that's about it. No conversation I have in Spanish is going to last any length greater than five minutes. (My family is from Mexico, which explains the Spanish.)

Anyway, so I hadn't seen my cousins in about 10 years. My aunt has three children: the eldest daughter, the middle son, and the youngest daughter. The eldest is already married and moved away; the middle son is also married and has a son and lives in his parent's house; and the youngest already graduated from college and is working while living at home.

At first it was kind of awkward seeing them again. Truthfully, I felt nervous on the car ride there. I get nervous when meeting people--even people I already know. I get nervous seeing people if I haven't seen them for a while. Like they're going to reappraise me. It didn't help that once the hugging and hello's were finished and we were sat in the kitchen, my parents began speaking to my aunt and uncle in Spanish. I felt kind of left-out even though my sister was with me. I'm only able to pick out bits and pieces of information from words I know and the context around them.

Soon after we started eating tamales and chicken. It was about 4 in the afternoon, I think. The sun was beginning to set and it was getting windy outside.

Then my cousin, the youngest daughter, walked in. Her hair was wet so I assumed she just got out of the shower. She seemed really surprised to see me. Surprised and...yeah. Surprised is really the only thing I noticed.

She sat at the kitchen counter, kind of like a kitchen island or whatever, and we tried talking (she speaks English perfectly well), but I felt so awkward. I really liked seeing her again. I remember as kids we'd visit them a couple of times a year, and we'd play or watch TV. But that was so long ago, and we'd grown so much, it felt like I was meeting a stranger. Except that there was some kind of kindship I felt. A pre-built connection to her. It was like meeting a different version of myself. Maybe I say this because we share similar facial features: our eyes and eyebrows, our mouths, our skin tone and the general shape of head. It's nice having family, I've realized, because you already feel some kind of closeness to them--no matter how distant you are.

After about half an hour of trying to start a conversation, our cousin invited my sister and I to the mall. The whole time I was there I felt a strange vibe. The mall was exactly like the other billion malls in the US, but the atmosphere was different somehow. Less familiar, less approachable. I felt out of place the entire time.

We tried to talk a bit more, but it didn't really happen. I think my cousin is really great: she's open and laughs a lot, and when she gets excited she starts moving her whole body and her laughs get even louder. She seems like a really, really sweet, nice person. She even talked about how much she volunteers at her church and how much she enjoys it. This made me a bit self-conscious because I'm not a part of any faith and I don't go to church or anything, and I was afraid she'd ask me about that and get upset that I wasn't a religious person like her. But that never came up, and I was glad she didn't bring it up. Which made me think even more highly of her.

We got back around 9 'clock to my aunt's house. It was cold and even more windy. Crazy windy. The gusts of wind were blowing around my jacket and making lots of noise.

We stayed for another half an hour. My dad was talking politics with my uncle and my aunt and middle cousin. After we left, I got a really nice text from my youngest cousin. She said it was nice to see us after so long, and that we'll see each other soon. And I really believe she meant it. We may not have had a particularly fun or enjoyable evening together, talking like old friends and stuff like that, but we did see each other after 10+ years, and that was nice enough. Family is something different in life than everything else. It's a feeling of closeness even if you've been apart for a decade. It's looking at someone and literally seeing parts of yourself. It's having invitations to go somewhere or do something simply because you share some of the same blood. It's an automatic, effortless bond with other people; getting to be around people because you are their people. It's crazy and maybe irrational, but it's wonderful and I'm glad I have them.